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Episode 22: Self-sabotage


You want to move to the next level in all aspects of your life, and yet something keeps getting in your way? What if that “something” is you?


To be completely honest, we all self-sabotage to some degree. It might be forgoing that workout class or being late for that class that you don’t really like or finding reasons to cancel that hang out plan with family/friend. It can be difficult to overcome our own “stuff.”


Self-sabotage occurs when we destroy ourselves physically, mentally, or emotionally or deliberately hinder our own success and wellbeing by undermining personal goals and values.


Sabotage is the act of destroying or undermining something, often in a covert manner. Usually, it implies direct and deliberate involvement on the part of the saboteur – that's why the word is most commonly used in relation to spying, or in business situations where an insider is causing the damage.


People aren't always aware that they are sabotaging themselves, and connecting a behaviour to self defeating consequences is no guarantee that a person will disengage from it.


Self-sabotage can be seen as a pattern of thoughts and behaviours that you engage in, often without even knowing it, that creates obstacles to achieving your goals.


"What’s familiar to us is what our psyche considers safe."

Some professionals do however believe that self-sabotage isn’t sabotage at all. It’s actually a protective mechanism created by your psyche in order to keep you safe from any potential danger or harm. What’s familiar to us is what our psyche considers safe. In other words, you may not even be aware of self-sabotaging behaviour, and this isn’t something you do on purpose.


When we’re wading out into unfamiliar waters because we’re looking to make a change, it can trigger all of the alarm bells in our internal system that tell us: Danger! Danger! Our brains, then, send the command for us to engage in a familiar behaviour to bring us back into familiar waters.


The most common self-sabotaging behaviours include procrastination, self-medication with alcohol and drugs, comfort/binge eating and forms of self-injury, such as cutting.

Self-sabotage, is also known as behavioural dysregulation. It can either be conscious or unconscious depending on level of awareness. An example of conscious self-sabotage is deciding to eat cake/burger, despite your goal to eat healthy. Unconscious self-sabotage happens when a personal goal or value has been undermined but not initially recognised.


Someone with a fear of failure might wait until the last minute to work on an important project, unconsciously avoiding the prospect of advancement. Another dimension of self-sabotage is cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the internal imbalance or discomfort experienced when words or actions do not align with beliefs and values. When this happens, we act to ease the discomfort by changing our words or behaviours or by reframing our goals and values. It seems unlikely that anyone would intentionally sabotage themselves, yet they do, and the consequences can be caustic. Chronic self-sabotage depletes drive and motivation and leaves us sad, anxious, and with damaged self-esteem.


Self-sabotage can be rooted in feelings of worthlessness or fear and often harm our progress, relationships and overall health. Self-sabotage erodes your self-confidence and self-esteem, and affects your relationships with others. With every failed attempt to do the thing you want, you "prove" to yourself that you can't or shouldn't do it.

The term self-sabotage is used when this destructive behaviour is directed at yourself. At first, you may not even notice that you're doing it. But when negative habits consistently undermine your efforts, they can be considered a form of psychological self-harm. It is when you engage in behaviours or thoughts that interfere with your long-standing goals and create problems in your life. These behaviours, whether purposeful or done unconsciously, prevent you from living the life you hope for and lead to feelings of insecurity, resentment and self-judgment.


The first step is to realise that self-sabotage is a pattern of behaviours that you engage in, often without even realising it. Then you need to pinpoint triggers that cause self-destructive actions.

Self-sabotage is rooted in counterproductive mindsets including negativity, disorganisation, indecisiveness, and negative self-talk. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome are also forms of self-sabotage.


An insidious and ubiquitous form of self-sabotage is mindless distractions that prohibit goal attainment. Some mindless distractions include binge watching TV, surfing the internet, scrolling through social media, video game obsession, and internet shopping.


Besides counterproductive mindsets, we engage in counterproductive or destructive behaviours. Some common behaviours include overeating, excessive drinking or drug abuse, pornography, smoking, gambling, self-injury, and overspending.


Avoiding behaviours keep us stuck in negative and self-destructive cycles. Common avoiding behaviours include procrastination, chronic tardiness, giving up when things get rough, and lack of assertiveness.


Rational fears are essential for safety and perpetuation. However, when fears become imbalanced, they hold us back from progress in careers and personal life. Some common ungrounded fears include fearing commitment, the unknown, change, failure, and losing control.


Self-sabotaging is a fairly common habit of people with borderline personality disorder. For these individuals, sometimes when things are going well, their anxiety actually increases, because they’re afraid that things will fall apart at any second. They feel like they’re not used to stability — it’s a foreign concept to them — so it makes them feel uncertain and suspicious.


There are many ways someone with borderline personality disorder might engage in self-sabotage. Some engage in impulsive behaviours that wreak havoc on their lives. Others might secretly put their friends “to the test” by pushing them away to see if they still love them when they stick around. Some folks might engage in self-harm or suicidal behaviour and don’t know where to turn for help.


It’s important to remember not just folks with borderline personality disorder engage in self-sabotaging behaviours like these. Everyone can experience this but most often seen in people with borderline personality disorder.

 

The Difference Between Self-Sabotage and Self-Handicapping


Humans obviously engage in a number of self-destructive behaviours that might not make sense to an alien observer. For example, we might binge on junk food until our stomachs hurt. We might abuse drugs or alcohol, spend our money on unnecessary things, fall in love with the person you know bad for you. But here’s the thing about self-destructive behaviour: It’s often a misguided attempt to protect ourselves on a deeper emotional level. What looks like self-inflicted harm from the outside is frequently a maladaptive strategy for avoiding harm.


"You are the person getting in your own way."

With self-sabotage, it’s as if you tell your enemy exactly what to do to thwart your success, but it turns out that you’re the enemy. You are the person getting in your own way. Self-sabotage tends to evoke a cognitive dissonance between what you value and how you act. It’s also called behavioural dysregulation.


Self-handicapping, on the other hand, tends to be about ego protection. Someone might seek out an excuse not to try in order to avoid later defeat—and the blow to one’s self-esteem. In one famous psychological study, people who were unsure of their test-taking abilities opted to take a performance-inhibiting drug before a test so they’d have something to blame for their potential failure (i.e., an external causal attribution).


Clearly there will be some overlap between self-sabotage and self-handicapping. Some psychiatrists have even advocated for including both types of behaviours as symptoms of “self-defeating personality disorder” in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. This disorder never made it into the DSM, but that doesn’t mean that peoples’ lives aren’t negatively affected every day by these sorts of behavioural patterns.

 

Why Do People Self-Sabotage?


People thwart their progress for a variety of reasons. They may consciously or unconsciously commit acts of self-sabotage. The causes range from childhood issues to prior relationship effects. Other reasons for this type of destructive behaviour vary from low self-esteem and coping problems to problems with cognitive dissonance.


Conscious vs Unconscious Self-Sabotage

People who self-sabotage might be aware of their actions. For example, someone who's overweight and on a diet might consciously sabotage their good efforts by eating a whole carton of ice cream.


Or they might unconsciously act. A person misses a work deadline. On the surface, it seems like he was running late. But the truth is he’s afraid of failure. He self-sabotages by missing the due date, thus he thwarts his goal to move up in the company.

Difficult Childhood

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can contribute to your acts of self-sabotage. Without a secure attachment style, you might have an ambivalent or avoidant attachment style. Our earliest engagement with caregivers or parenting style affects how we connect with others and even to ourselves.


If your parents told you growing up that you’ll never amount to much, maybe you handicap yourself so that you do fall short.


Difficulty in Relationships

If your ex constantly put you down, you might still feel vulnerable. Maybe they said they were wasting time trying to move forward with someone like you.

Now, although you’re in a great relationship, but you cheat on your partner. Or break up for no reason. You don’t feel good enough or you fear getting hurt again.


Based on a recent study on self-sabotage, 115 psychologists specialising in romantic relationships in Australia identified the main issues for the prevalence of self-sabotage in romantic relationships.

Reasons included insecure attachment styles, low self-esteem, fear of getting hurt, fear of commitment, unhealthy relationship beliefs, and coping problems when it comes to matters of the heart.

Low Self-Esteem

People with a negative self-image and low self-esteem are especially vulnerable to self-sabotaging. They behave in ways that confirm negative beliefs about themselves. So, if they are close to succeeding, they become uncomfortable.


They’ve been told all their lives that they’ll fail. Or sometimes they told themselves all their lives that they’d fail.


Cognitive Dissonance

People showing this behaviour struggle with cognitive dissonance or the mental discomfort you may have holding two conflicting ideas at the same time. Human beings like to have consistency between their beliefs and actions.


For example, you are marrying someone great, but you come from a dysfunctional family. Your dad left, and your mother went from one abusive relationship to another. You, therefore, don’t believe in a stable, loving marriage. Yet, you are continuing to plan the wedding and send invitations.

Here’s a work-related example: You are about to land a great client and earn more money than ever before. Rather than do what it takes to propel yourself forward, you hold back because you don’t feel worthy. So, you go out partying the night before the client meeting and miss it entirely. Rather than move ahead, you take actions to screw things up for yourself.


Self-sabotaging can lead to chronic struggles with food, liquor, drugs, gambling, and self-injury. This destructive behaviour can also strip people of their motivation and make them anxious.


If you’re experiencing feelings of self-doubt, or beliefs that you’re not talented enough due to impostor phenomenon/syndrome, you may drop the ball rather than risk someone finding out that you’re a “fraud.” This, of course, isn’t the case, but you may feel like it is, despite your education, experience, and accomplishments.


You’re on the fence

Ambivalence refers to having mixed feelings about someone or something, unsure about which next step or decision to make. It can make you feel like you’re in a difficult situation, and all your options present challenges.


When you self-sabotage, you unconsciously move things in one direction or the other, so you’re no longer stuck with making that tough decision. This may decrease your feelings of emotional overwhelm or anxiety about decision-making.


Fear of success

A person may self-sabotage out of fear of being successful. That may sound confusing, but being successful comes with much more responsibility and risk-taking. A person may be afraid of the added pressure of success.


Typically, increased success brings about a number of changes, such as, where you live, where you work and the people you spend time with. This can come with a sense of loss or fear of the unknown.


Fear of what other people think

It’s not uncommon to self-sabotage to avoid the stress that comes from others’ expectations.


Subconsciously, a person may fear rejection or ridicule from friends or loved ones if they don’t achieve their goals. For some, that pressure may lead to thoughts or behaviour that result in self-sabotage.


Avoiding emotional pain

Self-sabotage mitigates the risk of dealing with discomfort.


Self-sabotage can offer us that easy out of saying ‘it wasn’t my destiny’ rather than being left with the uncomfortable feeling that not reaching our goals was our own fault.


Nobody likes the feeling of regret, embarrassment, or shame. Even if our actions are conscious, it feels better to say ‘not getting that opportunity was my choice.’

 

There are many reasons why a person may engage in self-destructive behaviours. It may be difficult for you to pinpoint why exactly you struggle with self-sabotaging behaviours, but a good starting point is to examine what behaviours hinder your ability to reach life goals, whether they are dietary, fitness, relationship, professional or personal goals.


Self-sabotage is often driven by negative self-talk, where you tell yourself that you're inadequate, or unworthy of success. You find yourself thinking things like, "You can't do that!", "You don't deserve that.", "If you try, you'll probably just fail anyway.".


We've likely all experienced behaviours like these at some point or another throughout our lives. But some of us are more prone than others to self-sabotage, and it can be difficult to admit that we're doing it. So, don't ignore or underestimate the signs – self-sabotage can reinforce a misplaced sense of worthlessness and provide a justification for negative thoughts that have no basis in reality.


Wondering if you’ve been practicing self-destructive behaviours in your own life without realising it? Below are some common signs:

  • Avoiding responsibilities, even if it’s because you “forget”, chronic procrastination

  • Persistent self-defeating thoughts

  • Thinking that you’re never good enough

  • Putting yourself down

  • Emotional eating

  • Avoiding tasks that need to be completed

  • Blaming others when something goes wrong

  • Looking for instant gratification

  • Being unable to achieve even short-term goals

  • Never feeling satisfied, even after achieving a goal

  • Pushing away or picking fights with people who love you

  • Dating people who don’t treat you well

  • Breaking promises or not following through on commitments

  • Lack of preparation

  • Misalignment between your desires and actions

  • Risky behaviours (such as substance use, gambling, overspending, or promiscuity)

  • Giving up when things get more difficult

  • Avoiding people and situations that make you uncomfortable

  • Staying within your comfort zone and avoiding change

  • Setting goals that are too low to ensure success

  • Trying to control others

  • Attempting to gain others’ approval

  • Constantly feel the need to compare yourself to others

  • You take on too much and feel perpetually overworked/overcommitted.

  • You don’t follow through on your commitments. You start projects but don’t finish–there’s always a roadblock in the way despite your “skill and will.”

  • You’re a perfectionist. You set unrealistic goals and inflexible standards.

  • You reverse positive changes. You tend to think negatively, leaning on a pessimistic attitude and negative self-talk.

  • You’re frequently unprepared.

  • You’re disorganised. Your work areas are cluttered.

  • You don’t assert yourself and you prefer to please other people than please yourself.

  • You act on irrational/ungrounded fears, e.g., fear of commitment, change, or losing control. You’re a chronic worrier.

 

As aforementioned, there are so many ways that self-sabotaging behaviours can wreck your life. Two prominent areas where self-sabotage can be revealed, is in relationships and in the workplace.


Self-sabotage in relationships

Reasons for sabotaging relationships are complex, but understanding the origins of sabotage is key for change.

Sabotage in relationships occurs in various forms, including choosing partners who are incompatible, picking fights, and refusing to fully commit to relationships.


Other signs include unrealistic expectations, chronic mistrust, silencing the self, and losing yourself in the relationship. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is an effective strategy for dealing with relationship issues.

The following behaviours as other examples of signs of relational sabotage:

  • Ignoring negative emotions

  • Criticising your partner

  • Holding grudges

  • Directing energy at things other than the relationship

  • Focusing on your partner’s flaws

Self-sabotage in work

Career sabotage includes:

  • Disorganisation

  • Indecisiveness

  • Perfectionism

  • Procrastination

  • Impostor syndrome

 

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Yourself


Create a Vision Board

A vision board is a form of visualisation that helps promote goal setting and makes it easier to prioritise your values. It highlights what you want from your life and how you plan to get there.


Creating a vision board and keeping it in a highly visible place in your home, like your bedroom or on your desk helps you stop self-sabotaging and keeps your short- and long-terms goals in mind.


Think about goals that you've had for a long time but have never accomplished. Are there particular areas where you're putting off making a decision? Consider something that you frequently fail at, for no obvious reason. Is there something you do, or don't do, that consistently frustrates other people? Is there an activity or task that nags at you and causes you dissatisfaction because you know you could do it, or do it better?


It may be painful to ask yourself questions like these, but it's important. Tune in to problem situations so you can better understand what is happening.


Pinpoint Stressors

To stop self-sabotaging behaviours, you need to identify what triggers your actions. When you’re feeling stressed or engaging in self-defeating behaviours, write down the situation, how you’re feeling and how you handled the situation in a journal. I would personally suggest a habit tracker for easy tracking.


Over time, you’ll notice patterns and will be able to pinpoint what events trigger your stress or anxiety and jot down ways/plans on how you can react to them in a healthier way.


Self-sabotaging behaviour often stems from feelings of anxiety, anger and worthlessness.


Always aim to manage your emotions, so that you don't commit to behaviours that have negative consequences, or that unjustly affect others.

Communicate with Loved Ones

You may be pushing loved ones away because of relationship patterns you experienced as a child or in the past. To explore why you are sabotaging important relationships, journalling can help you understand common patterns or habits.


Also be sure to communicate with loved ones about your findings, and work on responding positively during conversations in order to build healthier relationships. Communicate and discuss how you can make things better and move forward.


Practice Positive Self-Talk

Positive self talk and positive affirmation is when your internal narrative or inner voice is uplifting and fuelled with understanding thoughts. Unlike negative self-talk, which can lead to low self-esteem and lack of self-worth, positive self-talk helps reduce stress, ease anxiety and encourage healthy habits.

Work on changing your self-talk by practicing, perhaps using positive phrases or mantras, and focusing on your own personal self-care throughout the day. I do this on a daily basis, as crazy as it sounds, I like to stand in front of a mirror and say positive things and compliments to myself. I also congratulate myself for my small wins and accomplishments.


Change Your Behaviours, Emotions and Thoughts

As you become aware of the negative emotions, behaviours and thoughts that trigger self-sabotage, you can begin to challenge them. And if you can change one of these three aspects, the other two will change more easily, too.


Challenge negative thinking with logical, positive affirmations. Turn your assumptions around and gain some much-needed perspective.


Then, link this new positive self-talk to what you can accomplish and what you want to achieve. When your skills, beliefs and behaviours are aligned, you can create the mental, emotional and physical states necessary to do whatever you set your mind to.


Get Professional Support

If you aren’t able to control your self-sabotaging behaviours on your own, it may be time to seek professional support. Therapy, like cognitive behavioural therapy has proven to be an excellent option for people who engage in self-destructive actions.


It helps bring the causes of self-sabotaging to the surface so you can face them and formulate a plan to better respond to your triggers or stressors. In short CBT can help change the way you think into something more positive and constructive.

 
"Again, ask yourself, “Am I a self-saboteur?”."

Self-sabotage sets you up to fail in a number of ways. First, it reinforces negative behaviours that eat away at your potential for success. In this way, you may constantly find yourself falling short of the goals you've set for yourself. It can also damage your reputation. If you don't do what you say you're going to, there's a real risk that your boss and colleagues or whoever around you could come to see you as unreliable, uncommitted, lazy, or lacking drive.


People who self-sabotage might also behave passive-aggressively and have trouble managing anger. These tendencies damage relationships with friends, family and co-workers.


Such failures and disappointments create further feelings of guilt and frustration. And, over time, this can build up into shame, which feeds low self-esteem.


Again, ask yourself, “Am I a self-saboteur?”. Of course there isn’t a formal diagnosis for self-sabotage. However, speaking with a mental health professional can help uncover certain behaviours and their potential triggers.


You can also enlist the help of those around you to reveal how you might be self-sabotaging. It’s sometimes clearer to others what we put in the way of our own progress.


When to seek help

It’s not always easy to recognise and stop some self-sabotaging behaviours, especially patterns you’ve followed for years, on your own.


If your efforts to try different behaviours and responses haven’t worked, or only work for a while, therapy may be a good option.


There’s no shame in needing professional support. There may be something present you don’t see. Sometimes it’s not possible to uncover all underlying factors on your own.


Therapy can be particularly helpful for self-sabotage because at some point, you might unintentionally begin sabotaging the therapy process. A good therapist will pick up on this and help bring the issue, which you probably weren’t aware of, to the surface.

Treatment modalities like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), motivational interviewing, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) can all help to address the complex issues above: healthy self-concept, maladaptive thought patterns, attachment styles, trauma, emotional regulation, communication and coping skills, etc.


Now that you know about self-sabotage, don’t start using it to self-handicap. A mental health professional can help you reroute all that energy toward enhancing your happiness instead of obstructing it.


Addressing Self-Sabotage in Therapy Sessions

There is not one specific way to address self-sabotage in therapy sessions.


Motivational interview can help you resolve ambivalence. A method that works well to change core beliefs is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, in which the patient views a destructive self-concept from a joyfully irreverent perspective. In addition, components of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can help patients change their relationship with unproductive thoughts.

  • Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) uses techniques effective in relieving cognitive distortions. Using these techniques helps you replace negative thought patterns and improve your overall wellbeing.

  • Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) works well on problems that involve intense emotions. This could encompass impulsive behaviours, impulse control issues, and difficulties getting along with other people. You’ll learn to regulate your emotions better with this method.

There are also some online therapy courses available using various modalities. Seek out a therapist in your area to guide you.

Behavioural therapies can aid in interrupting ingrained patterns of thought and action while strengthening deliberation and self-regulation. Motivational therapies can also help reconnect people with their goals and values.

To recap, self-sabotaging occurs when a person engages in behaviours that reduce his or her ability to achieve goals. There are several reasons why someone may be stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage, including lack of confidence, fear, procrastination and a tendency to place blame on others when something goes wrong.


There are ways to stop self-sabotaging, including pinpointing triggers of stress and negativity, making a plan of goals with a vision board, practicing positive self-talk, communicating with loved ones, and seeking help from professionals when you aren’t able to change your behaviours on your own.


"We all act in ways that confirm the stories we tell about ourselves."

Self-sabotage is your brain’s way of trying to protect you from emotional pain. If it’s no longer serving you, there are lots of options available to begin to change things. You can identify your patterns, come up with alternative action steps, and work with a mental health professional to help you achieve your goals. Most importantly, as you transition to a new way of being, try to be compassionate to yourself.


We all act in ways that confirm the stories we tell about ourselves. If you have internalised negative stories about yourself, that is painful and difficult. It’s natural to try to minimise future pain. And once you know differently, you can do differently.


Breaking free from self-sabotage usually involves delving into the past to discover where it stems from. Once we’re able to pinpoint where the behaviour started – and what role it served – we can practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness for what we did when we were in survival mode – when we simply didn’t know any better. And from there, we can begin to learn healthier, more effective ways of behaving which will serve us in the long term.


You’re not stuck. You can break the cycle. You can heal yourself.


If you find yourself caught in a cycle of self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviours, working with a mental health professional can help. With the guidance of a therapist, you can uncover the core beliefs that are leading to self-sabotage and learn tools and strategies to work past them.


Consider speaking with a therapist if you are having difficulty working through your fear and self-sabotaging behaviour. Sometimes we need to talk about what’s going on to understand why we are engaging in self-sabotaging. Other times we may just need help to move beyond the negative and develop a plan. Make yourself a priority and get help if you feel you need it.


"You’re not stuck. You can break the cycle. You can heal yourself."
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