Relationships are the foundation of human society. They take a wide variety of forms and have an impact on essentially all aspects of our lives. The way we conduct ourselves in close relationships is especially important. Certain actions can strengthen your bond to others. You can also do things that weaken those bonds.
Accountability is usually understood in terms of holding someone accountable. Accountability is an aspect of responsibility. It is based on an understanding that what you do affects other people. In every relationship, you have the choice to accept this reality or not accept it. When you make yourself accountable, you take responsibility for the way you treat others. You also take responsibility for the impact your actions have on others. This impact may be obvious beforehand. However, you may not always know what will happen when you make certain choices in everyday life. Nevertheless, accountability still means accepting the consequences of what you have done.
"Accountability is an aspect of responsibility."
When we talk about relational accountability, there are many false assumption that connection and accountability are mutually exclusive. This assumption looks like: "to hold someone accountable, we have to sacrifice connection & to be connected to someone, means to surrender being able to hold them accountable." I'll tell you why I disagree with this.
The Importance of Accountability in Relationships
At their core, all functional personal relationships depend on accountability in one way or another. That is true for:
Parents and their children
Intimate partners
Friends
This accountability may flow mostly in one direction. For example, parents bear responsibility for their young children, who lack the ability to make the same commitment. However, for older children, teenagers, and adults, accountability is usually mutual. This means that both parties have at least some responsibility for maintaining the relationship.
Why is accountability so important? One major reason is that it creates bonds of trust. When you take responsibility for your actions toward someone, you give them a reason to trust you. In turn, you also give them a reason to treat you with the same consideration. Accountability is also crucial in creating reliable support networks for daily life. Human society is deeply social. From birth, we count on others to help sustain our well-being. Effective social support makes it easier for you to achieve all kinds of important external goals. It also helps you maintain your physical and emotional health. Support networks not based on mutual accountability are not likely to last for long. On the other hand, accountability-based networks are often fixtures of healthy relationships.
3 Core Benefits of Accountability
1. Builds self-awareness: To be accountable for your actions, you first have to understand what steps you’re taking and why; for example, you may find that any time you feel embarrassed, you lash out to redirect attention away from you. When you practice accountability in your relationships, you regularly take stock of what you’re doing, building awareness of your behaviours, habits, and tendencies.
2. Encourages empathy: At its core, accountability is a practice between at least two people; rather than one person acting in a bubble, accountability is about one person thinking deeply about how their actions affect those around them. This practice encourages empathy or putting yourself in others’ shoes to consider how they feel, which is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship.
3. Fosters a culture of collaboration: When everyone in a relationship agrees to be accountable, it establishes a culture of collaboration, in which each partner feels empowered to work together to make the relationship successful.
When people are accountable in their relationships, they understand how their behaviour influences their partner or partners—whether positively or negatively—and make course corrections to maintain a healthier and more collaborative partnership. Accountability is a foundational principle of romantic relationships, bonds between family members and loved ones, and friendships. When people are not accountable, they may refuse to acknowledge how their actions affect their partners, insisting their partner is the only one to blame for relationship problems. Common symptoms or sources of a lack of accountability in relationships include the “blame game,” selfish behaviors, and overall disconnection from arguments or tensions.
Partners in relationships that are high in both authenticity and intimacy know that connection and accountability are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they know that accountability is a part of what helps partners stay connected and that connection is a necessary ingredient of accountability. Accountability in relationships can be especially important in intimate partnerships. Couples often live deeply intertwined lives. When relationships are on good terms, these bonds can be a tremendous source of comfort. However, when relationships on not on good terms, they can be a source of tremendous strain and stress. But, let's face it, relational accountability is hard.
Here are some ingredients of being accountable in your relationship(s):
Owning your impact
Inevitably in relationships, your partner/s will show/tell you ways in which you've negatively impacted them. You will not have intended to affect them this way. Most people make this mistake: they plant themselves in the perspective that "If I didn't intend to make you feel that way, you shouldn't feel that way. It's you that needs to change, not me." This probably won't leave either of you feeling very connected or emotionally secure. Instead: when your partner shares with you how you've impacted them, believe them and own it! In safe relationships, owning it will make your partner feel closer to you- it builds trust. Owning your impact is imperative in being relationally accountable.
2. Consider how your actions affect your partner
Once you’ve identified a few regular behaviours, determine how they affect your partner or partners. Ask what makes your partner feel cared for and which of your habits make your partner feel upset. Talk to each other about what you consider “deal-breakers” in a relationship.
3. Involve your partner
Accountability is a collaborative practice, so make sure you involve your partner or partners throughout the process. Talking to your partner along the way helps you become more aware of your actions and how they affect others. Introduce the idea of relationship improvement with them during a calm time to show you’d like to work together to improve, rather than in the middle of a conflict, which can feel like you’re assigning more blame to them.
4. Not getting defensive
This one is related to owning your impact but it extends beyond that as well. Defensiveness can be so SO so tempting. The ego loves defensiveness because it takes less work and less time than to self reflect and to see the truth in what your partner is saying.
Defensiveness has a meta communication of "I'm not going to let what you're trying to tell me land with me. I'm going to instead find reasons why what you're saying isn't quite right. I'd rather be separate and right than connected and accessible." Defensiveness is antithetical to being relationally accountable. Instead of looking for the ounce of falsehood in what your partner is saying, look for the ounce of truth and start there.
5. Assess your regular behaviours.
Take stock of your regular behaviours on your own or with your partner. Focus on common problem areas or moments that regularly lead to conflict, identifying a few behaviours that may be contributing to the tension. In addition, assess successful behaviours or everyday actions that strengthen the relationship and consider what contributes to these beneficial interactions.
6. Changed behaviour
Trust is "not a sweeping moment. It is a collection of small marbles over time. Every time you integrate your partner's influence into your behaviour, it is a trust building endeavor. To be relationally accountable, we have to be willing to be flexible. We have to be willing to integrate a partner's needs, not just once while they're telling us, but again later- even when they're not looking.
7. Accepting Influence
Accepting influence is what happens when you give up defensiveness. It is also, perhaps, the fear that leads to defensiveness in the first place. A very common expression of this fear sounds like "I am who I am, I don't want to change who l am." And yes, of course in relationships we need to be accepted and loved for who we are. But in a more practical sense, relationships require cooperation. If you trust your partner enough to have chosen to spend your life with them, and the relationship is generally secure and emotionally safe- accepting their influence won't make you less of who you are, but it will make the relationship more of who you both are together, rather than a constant tug of war between the two of you.
8. Make changes that will benefit everyone
Once you’ve identified a few actions and how they affect your partner, consider any changes you can make to improve the relationship. Identify a plan to decrease negative behaviours and increase positive ones. Remember that a healthy relationship isn’t about changing yourself completely to make another person happy; instead, it’s about working together to improve your partnership. This process will naturally include compromises and sacrifices from every partner for the good of the relationship overall.
9. Empathic Understanding
Empathic understanding is the core of meaningful relational accountability. You could be behaviourally relationally accountable and completely unempathic and resentful toward your partner and it probably won't build trust or connection. Relating from a place of mutual respect starts with empathic understanding-with a real belief that what your partner feels and needs is just as valid and worthy of attention and care as what you feel and need.
10. Have clear communications
Clear communications are essential to lasting personal connections. Maintaining good communications can take a lot of work. At times, you may question the benefits of the effort. But rest assured, lasting connections tend to pay lasting dividend.
11. Set clear rules and boundaries
Clear rules and boundaries about communication need to be set so that each partner automatically becomes accountable in the relationship. This must be done when both are calm and stable. Blame-game and angry lashing out does not resolve anything.
12. Ask your partner where they stand and what they want
To be more accountable to one another, you need to be in sync and understand what the other person wants from the relationship. To facilitate that, you can ask questions like:
Where do you think we stand in our relationship?
What according to you is missing in our relationship?
What can I improve on?
What makes you feel loved?
What are you not willing to compromise on?
What steps can we take to make each other’s lives easier?
13. Follow the same steps with each partner
Each participant in a relationship should identify their actions, the effects, and possible course corrections—this creates a more collaborative relationship in which every partner feels seen.
14. Check in regularly
It's normal for relationships to experience periods of improvement and complacency; to keep your energy focused on accountability, schedule regular check-ins to see how things are going. If you make mistakes, consider ways you both can work to avoid those same mistakes in the future.
15. Consider involving a third party
If the process becomes tense or you find yourselves stuck, consider reaching out to a therapist or enrolling in couples therapy to engage in the process with a neutral third party.
One of the ways of showing accountability in relationships is by listening actively, with patience and empathy. Consider the following situations:
Your sibling is struggling with coming to terms with their sexuality
Your friend has lost a parent
Your parents are going through a separation period/are worried about life after divorce
Your relative is suffering from a mental illness
Someone you know had a miscarriage
In the above situations, the person going through a tough time doesn’t need a caretaker or problem fixer. All they need is someone who can be there for them, patiently listening, in a neutral, open, non-judgmental, and attentive manner. To be truly there for someone sounds so simple, but in reality, it is much more complex than that.
17. Be mindful of their unresolved issues
When showing accountability in relationships, it’s important to be sensitive toward someone’s childhood trauma and the several conflicts in their mind. If your partner has faced or witnessed mental or sexual abuse while growing up, you can encourage them to join a peer group, which can act as their safe and reliable space for working through their trauma.
Sometimes, they might feel triggered and project their issues on you. Don’t take it personally. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their insecurities and their relationship with themselves. When you start seeing things from this empathetic lens, it can help you respond less defensively in fights.
18. Learn to apologise
Mistakes are inevitable, and nobody is perfect. Still, your ability to accept personal responsibility for your wrongs and apologise for them in a relationship indicates that you are more accountable. Before you say you are working towards taking more accountability in a relationship, you must accept and own up to what you have done and sincerely apologise where necessary. Doing this will encourage your partner to forgive you, knowing fully well you have realised your mistakes and are willing to change. This is how to hold yourself accountable in a relationship and hold your partner accountable too.
19. Consider your partner’s perspective
There is something about accountability in relationships that makes it about the two parties in that relationship. It is about having some emotional intelligence to understand why you both behave and act in a particular way and manner. Sometimes, your partner’s view of a particular issue differs from yours. That is not the time to pick offense against them but to see things from their perspective by being empathetic to see how you would act if you were in their shoes.
"When you make yourself accountable, you take responsibility for the way you treat others."