Mental illness is not an excuse for bad behaviours. Mental illness is not an excuse to treat people badly. It doesn’t give you a free pass to be toxic. Mental illness is not an excuse to be a horrible person.
Just like everything we do, this too requires balance. We need everyone to be mindful and considerate when dealing with people that are struggling with mental illness but at the same time, it’s also the responsibility of those suffering to make it easier for others to understand them.
"Mental illness is not an excuse to be a horrible person."
Mental health is an important yet often stigmatised and avoided topic. We hear a lot from mental health professionals and advocates on the importance of accepting and trying to understand our friends and loved ones with mental health issues (and even ourselves), but there’s strangely not a lot of material on how those issues can be manipulated to suit the selfish ends of individuals. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, but poor mental health isn’t an excuse to treat others badly.
Much of this probably seems heartless or in complete disregard of the genuine struggle of others. Having struggled with anxiety, depression, passive suicidal ideation myself, it can be painful or invalidating to hear that your loved ones don’t take you seriously, or that your coping mechanisms are harming you more than they’re helping.
But chances are, most of us probably know one or more people who use mental health or related issues as an excuse for mean, selfish, cruel, narcissistic, or just plain toxic behaviour.
Let me start this article with some sharing of my personal experience. By nature, I am a happy, optimistic, and positive person. I have always been one to look on the bright side and see the good in people. My usual philosophy in life is that the world is full of brightness, love, and possibilities to seize. Not too long ago, though, my philosophy began to fade in the face of depression.
I began to cry a lot and retreat into myself rather than being social and opening up, which only furthered the problem. I felt alone, miserable, and, try as I might, I could not regain that feeling of the world being beautiful. I felt like something had crawled into my brain and flipped all the positive switches off and the negative ones on. I felt hopeless, like it was more of a disease than a feeling.
Before the depression, I was a kind, gentle, and compassionate person. Honestly speaking, sometimes I was even too gentle, afraid to bring up anything that might offend someone else or damage our friendship. I didn’t understand how other people could be mean, rude, or offensive toward strangers or friends. I took it personally when people affronted me or were curt with me, believing they were truly out to get me for something I’d done.
When people were mean, I figured it was a personal choice, that it was a conscious decision to stop caring about other people’s feelings and opinions. When I became depressed, though, my temper shortened and I felt far more irritable. I had little patience for anything, and I lived in a constant state of anxiety about social interactions. Whenever I engaged in conversation with someone else, I assumed they found me boring, annoying, or self-obsessed, and it sent me even further into my sadness.
I started to become rude and unkind myself. I lashed out at people, or, more commonly, gave them passive aggressive excuses for distancing myself from them. I even became prone to become angsty towards people as a way of protecting myself if they didn’t like me.
I didn’t make a conscious decision to be mean. I didn’t wake up in the morning and think, “Today, I am going to hurt someone’s feelings.” It just happened in the moment when I was feeling especially down on myself.
But I soon realised that this is no excuse for rudeness, offensive behaviour, or being unkind to other individuals. I am not proud of the way I’ve acted, and I’m not suggesting you follow in my footsteps, but it did give me a new perspective on other people I come across who are less than kind and I made a lot of self-reflections and practice to control the way I was feeling because I cannot continuously use depression as my excuse for being unkind.
"Being unkind, more often than not, is a reaction to anger with ourselves or our perceived inadequacy."
When someone is rude for no reason, especially a stranger, it’s rarely a personal assault, even if you accidentally did something to irritate them. People aren’t mean for the sport of it, or because they are against you; people are mean to cope. Being unkind, more often than not, is a reaction to anger with ourselves or our perceived inadequacy.
When you find that people are being rude to you in your everyday life, they are really being mean to themselves. They have likely convinced themselves that they are unworthy of love, and that is the biggest tragedy of all.
You don’t have to tolerate it when others are not nice, but it’s not something to take personally. You don’t have to internalise the meanness as a fault of your own. You can simply recognise that the person being rude is struggling with their own problems, and needs a way to cope with them.
You cannot control the actions and behaviours of others, only your personal reactions to them.
In my case, I got depressed because I felt socially awkward and I began losing friends. After that, I shied away from social gatherings, only augmenting the problem. I constantly thought negative things, such as “Nobody likes you,” “Who would want to be your friend?” and “You are not worthy of the friends you have.” I created a toxic environment inside my own head, and it wasn’t based in reality.
I knew I had to change my outlook, so I pushed myself to see the good in myself and the reasons why I’m likeable; as a result, I began to see the good in others again too. It’s not an easy process, and for many, it requires therapy and months of time. However, you can begin your journey back to kindness by being kinder to yourself.
"You cannot control the actions and behaviours of others, only your personal reactions to them."
Once you can hone in on your feelings about yourself, you can begin to make conscious decisions to be kind to others instead of lashing out as a coping mechanism.
I have always unfalteringly held the belief that people are inherently good, and only do bad things in reaction to bad situations. The most important thing to remember, whether you are receiving or giving unkindness, is that you are inherently good, too, and deserve to be loved, no matter what you or someone else tells you.
How often have we been hurt or confused by the closest people in our lives, only to be told by them that they’re not really responsible for their bad behaviour? While mental health can be a cause of problematic actions, it’s never an acceptable excuse.
Sometimes, people say things when they’re angry. Sometimes they say things that are really mean and hurtful and can upset people. A lot of times, that can be due to a struggle with a mental illness. But continuing hurtful decisions is just that, an alternative. An unpleasant change in behaviour is not something that merely because somebody has a mental disorder must be permitted. Blaming bad behaviour on mental illness comes in many forms.
A person will say something offensive, and others will come to their defence by mentioning their mental illness, as though that gives people a free pass to hurt others. Or someone will use mental illness to excuse their own behaviour, accepting hurtful choices as just part of their illness or using their illness to justify their poor treatment of others.
The reality is this: Mental illness is not a free pass to be cruel, offensive, or to engage in toxic behaviour.
If you have a mental illness, you cannot justify persistent cruelty as part of your disorder, and if you’re in a relationship with someone who’s treating you horribly, you don’t have to put up with it just because they’re ill.
Of course, there are disorders that cause mood swings, anger and irritability – such as bipolar disorder. But it’s a personal choice how you react to these emotions. Do you get help the moment you do something you know is wrong? Or do you expect everyone else to simply accept the hurt you’re delivering?
"Mental illness is not a free pass to be cruel, offensive, or to engage in toxic behaviour."
If you find yourself lashing out of people, that’s something you need to fix. It’s something you should seek help for. It is something you should acknowledge. You should not allow it to continue happening just because you think it’s part of the parcel of mental illness.
As someone who lives with depression myself, before I was medicated, I was one of these people. I wasn’t nasty, but at times I struggled with my anger and I was a very irritable person. I was quick to become argumentative and sometimes I would say things that were hurtful and that I didn’t necessarily mean.
When this happened, I felt remorse. Once the mood passed, I acknowledged that I was wrong and apologised. And this is how it should be, acknowledge what you did was wrong and apologise, not make up excuses. As much as mental health advocacy revolves around making people around us understand about mental health illness and how to deal with it, it’s only fair if we ourselves be accountable of our actions too.
I used to lash out a lot to my loved ones too. When I sat down and thought about it, I realised they never spoke to me the way I spoke to them. And it wasn’t fair, or at all acceptable.
So I went to my psychiatrist and I sought help. I realised that my actions were absolutely not okay, and I did something about it. It should be the same for anyone inflicting emotional or physical pain on others – once you realise what you’ve done, or someone’s alerted you to what you’ve done, it’s crucial to get help with changing that behaviour, not just accepting it as part of your illness.
Mental illness is often likened to physical illness. We say that it should be treated the same, that if a person had a broken leg, you wouldn’t tell them to just ‘get over it’, therefore you shouldn’t treat mental illness that way.
But the same can be said when it comes to the way we act. You might expect someone with a broken bone to be a little snappish for a while, but if they were continually rude, offensive, or hurtful, you wouldn’t allow them to do it simply because their bone is broken. We can’t be hypocrites. We can’t expect these two things to be treated the same, but then excuse unacceptable behaviours for those suffering mentally.
Mental illness is more prevalent than it ever has been in our country. So again is mental illness an excuse for poor behaviour? Lately I see it as trying to justify actions.
I am not sure of everyone else’s opinion, but I think the media for example, tries blaming mental illness before anything is factually true. A shooting or murder happens and within minutes headlines on media outlets are “suspect was mentally ill”. To me this is taking away from the fact that the criminal did something horrendous. Yes, mental illness is a huge issue, but the context needs to be monitored on how the word is used. It is not a way to justify actions.
We need to focus on health and responsibility when talking about mental health. Mental health is not something we can use to justify poor behaviour. The person with mental illness needs to take responsibility. Avoiding responsibility will just make poor behaviour become normal because they can get away with more if this is the case.
One of the biggest challenges in life is being around people who are absorbing your energy, who don’t support you, and who are simply difficult to deal with. Life is already hard to deal with people that don't want you to be happy. This type of behaviour can happen with your family, your friends, your partner, your coworkers, but none of them has the right to make you have a bad moment just because they don’t feel good.
A person will say something offensive, and probably will mention their mental illness, as though that gives people a free pass to be cruel, or someone will use it to excuse their own behaviour, accepting hurtful choices as just part of them or using their illness to justify their poor mistreatment of others.
You deserve to have people in your life that you enjoy spending time with, who help and support you. And I know, I can’t speak for others or know how you feel to be telling you that you shouldn’t do something. But if you are affecting others, it’s time to do something about it, excuses are no longer valid when you are hurting others for your behaviour.
Everyone heals differently. Perhaps a piece of advice that has worked for a person will not work for you, and that is because not all of us assimilate the problems of our life in the same way. But there are things we can all do to help us:
Ask for help
This is the best way to start treating a problem, it is important that you have someone to share your feelings, someone who will listen attentively without judging you. It can be a family member, a friend, or a counsellor. Psychologists are no longer a taboo, and day by day we must continue to normalise it.
Don’t isolate
You don’t have to talk about your problems every day, but connecting with others doesn’t have to involve talking about it.
Take care of your health
Avoid alcohol and drugs, eat healthily, sleep well (7–9 hours) and try to reduce stress (stay away from all the things that could make you feel bad).
Everybody deserves to be around people who respect you. Remember that your loved ones love you and care about you, that something happened to you does not give you the right to be bad with them, instead, ask for help, you are not alone.
At one stage or another in their life, most individuals encounter mental health problems. It is common to have periodic sorrow, tension, and depression. Yet, it’s essential to get treatment if you’re having chronic or significant mental health problems.
The symptoms usually may be indications of an undiagnosed mental illness:
Thoughts of harming someone or yourself
Emotions of sorrow, frustration, fear, concern, or anxiety are recurrent or persistent.
Regular outbursts of feelings or mood changes
Uncertainty or mysterious memory lapses
Delusions or hallucinations
Intensive fear or anxiety about putting on weight
Important shifts in eating or sleeping behaviours
Unknown improvements in success at school or work
Failure to deal with regular tasks or problems
Cessation from events or relations in society
Authority disobedience, delinquency, robbery, or destruction
Misuse of substances, including alcoholism or illicit drug use
Mysterious bodily conditions
Get support straight away if you’re worried about hurting yourself or somebody else. Request an appointment with a doctor if you’ve any signs on this list. There are several kinds of healthcare service providers that identify and manage mental illness. Schedule an appointment with your general practitioner if you think you may have a mental health issue or need mental health assistance. They will assist you in deciding what kind of provider you should see. They can also recommend in several situations.
A therapist will help identify mental health problems and manage them. Many various types of therapists exist, including:
Psychiatrists
Psychoanalysts
Clinical therapists
Psychologist
Counsellors
Do not use mental illness as an excuse for these reasons:
To overpower the struggles of someone else as an excuse
In terms of who has the worst mental disorder or personal condition, we’ve reached the point where we are merely trying to outdo each other. We are always in competition to show that we are more impaired on the Web or in our existence than anyone else. Share your knowledge, but don’t attempt to show that your education was more difficult, that your hardship was more serious, that you experienced more problems, or that your mental condition was more prominent.
Today’s generation has gotten to the point where we’re actually trying to outshine each other in terms of who has a worse mental illness or personal situation. We’re perpetually in competition to prove that we’re more damaged than everyone else on the internet or in our lives. It completely negates the fact that talking and writing about mental illness is supposed to encourage support and make people feel less alone.
To be straight out, disrespectful to other individuals
Since you are going through a difficult time, you don’t get an open offer to misbehave or be a nuisance to anyone else. If somebody is intentionally rude, you have the ability to remove yourself from those circumstances or express your opinion. But treating people with unnecessary disdain just because they don’t understand what you’re going through is going too far. Guilting someone solely because you have a mental illness is not okay.
A reason to push people out of your life with no justification
Some mental illnesses can render you totally out of control and lose sight of the fact that you had plans. As you don’t feel up to a normal conversation or leaving home, they can also make you desire not to be with people. The greatest thing to do if it occurs is to inform friends and loved ones that you have been struggling through something challenging and need some space for yourself without leaving out the individuals who’ve been attempting to help you.
To receive additional attention and sympathy
There are unobtrusive ways to bring up the fact that you found something offensive because of the illness you’re struggling with. But using your mental illness as a crutch in conversation to get attention (or even pity) is going too far. If you’re with people that are specifically making themselves available to talk about what’s going on with your anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, etc. etc., then of course that’s what your conversation will centre around. But in the middle of the conversation that is miles away from the subject of you or your mental illness, it shouldn’t be used as an attention grab.
Of course everyone’s circumstances and family situations are different and it is not for me to say how your upbringing contributed to your mental illness. If you were treated poorly, you have every right to hold your family accountable. However, if your family is doing everything they can to be there for you and to make sure you’re getting help, it is not fair to pin everything on them and be overly hard on the people who love you and are trying to support you.
To divert from the struggles of others
Suffering from a mental illness isn’t boastful, it’s personal. When someone approaches you to talk through their own struggles with mental illness, it can often be helpful if you share that you’ve been through something similar. In fact, you will be able to provide much more support and better advice because of that. Constantly relating their difficulties back to your own just to prove that you’re more damaged or have experienced worse isn’t bringing anything positive or productive to a conversation. It’s just dissuading that person from confiding in you.
Your mental illness is not an excuse to say, “You have to be nice to me because I’m going through a hard time right now.” If someone’s being rude to you, that’s a problem simply because they’re being rude, not because you have a mental illness. You cannot control people around you and what they’re saying, but you can try to understand that they’re not deliberately trying to victimise you.
Though protecting your mental health and maintaining optimum mental health is essential. It is often that people use it as an excuse for irrational behaviour. Unfortunately, people seldom realise, that mental illness doesn’t evaporate the consequences of our actions. Mental health does not make problematic behaviours excusable.
It is essential to understand that while ensuring good mental health can be difficult, our behaviour as a result of the belief (that you have issues) can perpetuate problematic actions.
"Mental health does not make problematic behaviours excusable."
There is a difference between actual issues such as depression, anxiety or other mental illnesses and what happens in our daily life. However, daily life stressors are a form of eustress that help us in becoming more productive. However, avoiding responsibilities and using mental illnesses as an excuse is one of the worst forms of self-care.
It’s a slippery slope to excuse poor behaviour on a mental illness or another factor. When our actions hurt others, we can’t wave our wand and make it go away by citing our mental illness. Damage was still done, and someone else should not be suffering for our actions. But, our mental illness is often relevant to the discussion, because it explains our actions. It can help someone to understand why you did what you did. That isn’t to remove blame, but to show that it didn’t come from a place of malicious intent. This shouldn’t stop someone from being angry or upset, but it will allow them to understand why you did what you did.
For example, if you ignored someone’s messages for a week because you were in the throes of your depression, saying that later won’t fix everything. They were still worried or hurt by your silence. But it will show them that it wasn’t about them, and that your actions don’t reflect how you feel about them. They should know that you're struggling too.
An explanation, not an excuse.
Nowadays, a lot of people will get highly defensive when someone mentions their mental illness in relation to their behaviours, as they see it as an excuse. But whilst mental illness is not an excuse, it is an explanation, it does help us to understand why someone is acting the way that they are.
Mental illnesses are far more complex than a single symptom. People with ADHD may interrupt you as they struggle with impatience and difficulty keeping quiet, they also can struggle with bursts of frustration. Individuals with depression may seem uninterested in what you have to say, or engage in self-sabotaging behaviour that affects you as well. It’s important to understand how far-reaching the symptoms of a mental illness are, so you can understand that it doesn’t stem from the person’s personality or how they feel about you.
"Mental illness isn’t an excuse, but it definitely is an explanation."
Mental illness isn’t an excuse, but it definitely is an explanation. As struggling with a mental illness is so difficult and consuming, that they can’t be perfect, they can’t hide all of these symptoms to act exactly like someone without this disorder would. They are trying their best and they need you to understand that.
So when someone explains how their mental illness influenced their actions, don’t see it as them trying to excuse their actions completely, take it as an opportunity to understand them better. And then share how it affected you and how it made you feel, so they recognise the implications of their actions. Then both of you can find a way to avoid this happening again or deal with it in the future, by both sharing what you need in this situation.
Mental illness can be an explanation without being an excuse. Mental Illness is not an excuse for everything. Of course, that being said, you don’t get to just run around hurting people because you have a mental illness. You can’t expect people to accept just any old behaviour at any old time because you have a diagnosis. That isn’t right and it isn’t reasonable.
"Mental Illness is not an excuse for everything."
Some things can be accepted, others not. So when it comes down to it, it’s really about an individual relationship. Maybe your partner could never get over the fact that you spent all your life savings, even though you were manic. Maybe your sister can forgive you for screaming at her because you were delusional. Maybe your children will grow up with the understanding that sometimes you missed important life events because of an illness you couldn’t control. Or maybe not.
I would like to think that people could find compassion in their hearts, especially for those of us who try our very best but still find the disease gets the better of us now and then. But that being said, no one should have to put up with being walked all over on a daily basis. So there’s a line between when symptoms become manipulation or abuse or just nastiness. And that line differs for everyone.
For me, I know I’m responsible for pretty much what I do, symptom or not, and I need to take ownership of that, and I simply try to make things as right as I can when I slip up. But this would be true regardless of the label of a diagnosis.
I wish I could say that my mental health doesn't affect my social life and relationships, but unfortunately, it did and does. Sometimes, my mental illness makes me unkind, and it's embarrassing to be the one always canceling plans, leaving texts unanswered, and occasionally lashing out at friends and family.
While a mental illness diagnosis can be helpful in describing why you do something, that diagnosis stops being helpful when used as an excuse for treating others badly. Having a mental illness doesn't take away your responsibility to be kind. Don't get me wrong here. Mental illness seeps into every aspect of your life, especially your relationships. So, of course, when you're in a bad mental state, you might ignore or snap at someone else. It's tough to control those behaviours, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't apologise and try to be better.
Your support people do a lot of adapting to help you. You can show your appreciation for your friends and family by spelling out your needs for them and taking responsibility for unkindness. Together, you can figure out a way to communicate about your mental illness better.
"Look after others, just make sure you are looking after yourself as well."
I am an advocate of mental health awareness and strongly believe in helping others through the painful times of their lives. I have just learnt that if you are not careful, you can find yourself stuck, excusing behaviours time after time after time, and subsequently feeling horrible for not being strong enough to endure it. Look after others, just make sure you are looking after yourself as well.
There is a difference between having a moment and realising and apologising for it and constantly acting like a jerk to everyone.
Remember, though it can be the cause, it’s not the reason.
Nowadays, mental health issues have been appropriated as quirky personality traits, and not only does this downplay the actual seriousness of our issues, but it encourages us to resort to hiding in a victim mentality instead of taking responsibility.
Emotions are temporary, but behaviour has lasting consequences.
When we become so accustomed to thinking that our issues dictate all of our words, our actions, and the choices we make, we remove the ability to choose from the conversation and let our emotions completely drive our behaviour. Letting emotions have full control over our every thought and action is dangerous because emotions are entirely temporary – but behaviour has lasting consequences.
"Emotions are temporary, but behaviour has lasting consequences."
Whether you’re struggling with mental health yourself or you’re a loved one trying to support someone who is, you probably know what it feels like to want to react negatively or to be on the receiving end of that behaviour.
We’re all humans with flaws, and sometimes that simple realisation can be the motivation behind blaming our behaviour on the outside problems we seemingly can’t control, instead of owning our decisions and our issues.
If you find yourself lashing out at others and if you have a lot of built up anger, speak to someone. A family member, a friend, or your doctor to talk about the things going on in your head.
If you find yourself repeatedly irritated or angry, question what’s really going on. Is everyone else being irritating, or do you need additional support for your emotions? Before making hurtful comments, take a step back and think about the consequences. If you are unable to stop a reaction, take some time out afterwards and apologise to the person you hurt. Listen when friends and loved ones tell you they’ve been hurt. Don’t dismiss their feelings or deflect them by blaming your mental illness.
Be open to change, and if you don’t like the person you’re being, know that you can get help to be better. A lot of the time bad behaviour is coming from a place of fear, distress, or hurt, which is entirely normal. But repeating this behaviour over and over is not okay. Take a step back and work on yourself so you know you won’t inflict hurt or pain on other people.
Alternatively, if you’re feeling angry, unleash your feelings by calling the following hotlines, they are there to listen to you.
Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935 or 014-322 3392) Talian Kasih (15999 or WhatsApp 019-261 5999), Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03- 7627 2979) or contact a medical professional, loved one, friend, or your hospital emergency room immediately.
