"Boundaries are the new self-care."
Self-care is something we talk about a lot, and there’s a reason for that, it’s important. If you start making self-care and mental health a priority, you’re showing respect to yourself and putting yourself first. You might feel selfish for not always being there for others, or needing to take some time out for yourself, but it’ll allow you to recharge and be more present with people when you are there.
Boundaries are the new self-care. Setting boundaries is an important aspect of understanding your identity and is crucial for your mental well-being. Although, the term ‘boundary’, sometimes, can have a negative connotation.
It’s common to forget to prioritize your mental health and well-being, especially when life gets hectic. Setting boundaries around your time, energy, finances and self-talk can set a foundation for other things going on in your life. Self-care and prioritizing your well-being whenever possible can help lead to a balanced life.
Setting boundaries for yourself can be difficult. It means making changes and potentially creating some conflicts. It’s often easier to stick with the status quo. But boundaries are important. They determine how you will be treated by others, ensure your needs are met, and form the basis of healthy relationships.
Broadly, boundaries can be subcategorise into external and internal.
External boundaries are guidelines that determine how you allow others to behave towards you.
Internal boundaries maintain balance, exhibit self-discipline and allow you to manage your time, thoughts, emotions and behavior.
Boundaries are our personal limits that communicate what we will or will not tolerate in order to protect our well-being or the well-being of others. They apply to relationships of all kinds, be it familial, romantic, platonic, professional, and more. Boundaries enable us to feel safe, secure, and healthy in our interactions with others. Boundaries are defined rules or limits that someone establishes to protect their security and wellbeing around others; we identify and express how other people can behave around us so that we feel safe.
"It’s often easier to stick with the status quo. But boundaries are important."
We all set boundaries in our daily life whether we know it or not. Not replying to an email on weekends/holidays and at night, not answering works related calls after hours, or taking a day off due to illness are all common boundary setting – we set it and clarify our stance assertively and in a non-confrontational way.
Boundaries protect a person's personal or mental space, much like fences between neighbours. They involve the physical and emotional limits of appropriate behaviour between people, and help define where one person ends and the other begins.
Do you feel deep down like you agree to do too many things, but you’re not sure how to say no? Maybe you don’t want people to think you’re rude or unkind. You don’t want them to see you as needy, demanding, or “high-maintenance.” You don’t want to let others down. Well, you’re not alone. Many people fall into this pattern of guilt and uncertainties. The good news is that setting boundaries can save you stress and give you a sense of control and freedom over how you live and spend your time.
Many people know what the word “boundaries" means, but they have no idea what they are. You might think of boundaries as something like a property line or “brick wall” used to keep people out. But boundaries are not rigid lines drawn in the sand that are clear for all to see. Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves. When you understand how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, you can avoid the feelings of resentment, disappointment, and anger that build up when limits have been pushed.
"Boundaries protect a person's personal or mental space, much like fences between neighbours."
"But boundaries are not rigid lines drawn in the sand that are clear for all to see."
Many of us have a mix of boundaries depending on the situation. For example, you might have strict boundaries at work and more loose ones at home or with family and friends. There might even be different boundaries based on a person’s culture. For example, some cultures find that sharing personal information is not appropriate at any time, while in other cultures, sharing might be encouraged at all times. Our boundaries might be rigid, loose, somewhere in between, or even nonexistent. Because our boundaries are shaped by our culture, personal experiences, personality, beliefs, and family background, the boundaries people set can vary widely.
Boundaries are commonly misinterpreted. Often, for the person setting them, boundaries appear as closing the door against another person. When somebody sets a boundary with you, it is ok to have feelings about it. It can be difficult to hear that our behaviours have negatively impacted those close to us, and that part of your relationship may change. However, it is important to keep in mind that the person who communicated their boundaries cared enough about the relationship to be honest about how they feel and what they need. Learning about a person’s boundaries provides us with an opportunity to understand that person better, and to learn what they need, to feel healthy, happy, and secure in the relationship.
When we have unhealthy boundaries, we end up feeling like we have to hold everyone else’s feelings but our own, and that leads to resentment, anger, anxiety, depression, and stress.
"Our boundaries might be rigid, loose, somewhere in between, or even nonexistent."
Healthy boundaries can serve to establish one’s identity. Specifically, healthy boundaries can help people define their individuality and can help people indicate what they will and will not hold themselves responsible/accountable for. While boundaries are often psychological or emotional, boundaries can also be physical. For example, declining physical contact from a coworker is setting an important boundary, one that’s just as crucial as setting an emotional boundary, i.e., asking that same coworker not to make unreasonable demands on your time or emotions.
Recovery from mental health issues can take a long time, and it may require you to make some significant changes in your personal and professional relationships. This process often involves setting new boundaries, which will allow you to control your social interactions and thereby create an optimal environment for healing. These boundaries will be there to protect you, not to hurt anyone else, as your loved ones will understand once they adjust to the new reality.
Your recovery from mental health issues will most likely be an ongoing process. To support it, you should create a structure for living that promotes robust mental health. This gives you the autonomy to do what you have to do to prevent relapse.
You may have heard of people establishing healthy boundaries, but what does that even look like? Well, for starters, a healthy boundary can look like a lot of things. If a friend wants you to stay out later than you’d like and you decide instead to trust your gut and go home, that’s a healthy boundary. If your significant other has become too demanding of your time and you ask for some personal space, that, too, is a healthy boundary. Knowing when and how to set up healthy boundaries can be tricky. When you evaluate your values and core beliefs, it’s easier to put protections in place to support your own physical, mental and emotional health. When you do this, in most cases, you’ll be overwhelmingly supported. But you may also discover who your true allies are along the way.
"Because our boundaries are shaped by our culture, personal experiences, personality, beliefs, and family background, the boundaries people set can vary widely."
Boundary-setting is an important part of taking care of your mental health. If you don’t set boundaries, you end up doing a lot of things you don’t want to do and other people end up draining a lot of your energy and time.
Boundaries are the framework we set for ourselves on how we want to be treated by others and how we treat other people. It’s setting up how you want to be treated, it promotes physical and emotional wellbeing, and it respects your needs and the other person’s needs in a relationship.
So, if you have a colleague who’s getting too personal with you at work and they’re making you uncomfortable, you may want to stop that behaviour in its tracks and explain what you expect and respect. The same thing goes for any family member who might overstay their welcome during a family get-together. You are the master of your fate, and you’re allowed to put healthy boundaries in place for the sake of your own happiness and well-being.
There are 3 degrees of boundaries:
Clear boundaries: Clear boundaries are clearly stated, flexible, and adaptable. There is warmth, support, and stability within the relationship, but each person is able to be assertive, communicate their needs, and develop individual interests.
Rigid boundaries: Rigid boundaries are closed and inflexible, much like a wall that doesn't let anything in or out. There is less engagement and more isolation both within the relationship and in the outside world. It may be more challenging for individuals involved to communicate needs and express individuality.
Open boundaries: Open boundaries are not as clear, and might even be fuzzy or loose. It may be hard for individuals to have their needs met. Open boundaries may be enmeshed and exhibit more codependency traits.
Healthy boundaries allow each person in a relationship or family to communicate their wants and needs, while also respecting the wants and needs of others. Where there are unhealthy boundaries, safety in the relationship is compromised. This may lead to dysfunctional relationships, where people's needs are not met.
"You are the master of your fate, and you’re allowed to put healthy boundaries in place for the sake of your own happiness and well-being."
Setting healthy and clear boundaries in your life is essential for self-care and well-being.
In your personal, work, and community relationships, you should establish boundaries that will help you achieve your long-term wellness goals. This means setting some limits or restrictions on your social interactions and the demands they place upon you to ensure others’ behaviour and expectations won’t affect your mental health negatively, either directly or indirectly. You won’t achieve excellent and sustainable health by being passive. Setting boundaries means taking responsibility for your recovery from trauma, anxiety or depression, as you put what you learned during treatment into application.
Setting boundaries has many benefits. Healthy boundaries can contribute to a range of improvements in your mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. They can boost your self-esteem and prevent harming feelings of self-doubt, sadness, and shame for allowing others to maltreat you. They also contribute to good emotional health, help us develop identity, and avoid burnout.
Establishing boundaries is good for you and the people around you. When you’re clear about your boundaries, people will understand your limits and know what you are and aren’t OK with, and they’ll adjust their behaviour. The people who don’t respect your boundaries are ones you may not want in your life.
Setting boundaries might seem hard, but when you actually start doing it, you see a lot of benefits it brings into your life.
Setting boundaries can lead to:
Conserve emotional energy: Setting and implementing boundaries will help you conserve your emotional energy and put you in a better mental state.
Independence and self-esteem: Emotional and physical boundaries will help develop autonomy and independence. Maintaining assertiveness about your boundaries will help boost your self-esteem.
Better relationships: Having the ability to create and maintain boundaries can increase respect in relationships. Relationships with your partner, family, and friends will improve by setting healthy boundaries.
Better communication
Greater protection of your rights
Improved self-awareness
Lesser resentment and anger
Better stress management
Greater ability to constructively solve conflicts
Improved assertiveness
More self-compassion and compassion
Better self-care
An increased feeling of safety
A feeling that you are valued and accepted
The types of boundaries one might set depends on the setting. That is, one person’s healthy boundaries with a romantic partner will be very different from that same person’s healthy boundaries with a boss or coworker.
"The people who don’t respect your boundaries are ones you may not want in your life."
How to start setting boundaries?
The first step to setting healthy boundaries is knowing what your needs are and what you need to be healthy, have good self-esteem and retain your sense of identity. To do this, consider making a list of your core values and beliefs. What do you need to be happy? What makes you feel safe? How much time and energy are you willing to spend with different people and situations?
It’s important to set up healthy boundaries early on so that people know how to best communicate and interact with you. You also want to make sure you follow through on your boundaries. If you don’t act on them, it may make it harder for other people to trust your boundary setting.
The first step to boundary setting is to trust and believe that you have the right to set and enforce a boundary. A lot of us have grown up in a family with no boundaries or with blurred boundaries, so we don’t always know that we have the right to set our own boundaries. If setting boundaries is new to you, I would encourage you to start with small boundary changes to help build confidence when you set those larger boundaries in the future.
Sometimes, if we fear confrontation, setting healthy boundaries can seem frightening. You may worry about rejection or feel guilty for putting boundaries in place, but it’s important to know that it’s your right to carve out the space you need for the things that will make you happy, free and safe at the same time.
If you’re a people pleaser, or you’re in a codependent relationship, knowing how to separate your feelings from someone else’s can be difficult. But you can always start this practice at any time, and the more you practice, the better you’ll get at it.
And you can be flexible, too. As your life changes, your relationships will change and evolve over time. If you ever feel like something is off, it’s never too late to get back on track and re-establish boundaries that make sense at the time that you’re setting them.
Communicate your thoughts. Be honest but respectful when sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone else. It’s OK to take some time to gather yourself before and after the conversation. But don’t let that become an excuse to avoid telling them how you feel.
Never assume or guess someone else's feelings. Making assumptions can create a lot of misunderstandings in a relationship. You may feel like you know someone so well that you could guess what they’re thinking, but it’s always best to ask rather than assume.
Follow through on what you say. Setting boundaries but not following through let the other person think they have an excuse to continue to overstep your boundaries. Don’t make any exceptions to your boundaries without thinking about it carefully. Otherwise, you may find yourself compromising on things that aren't acceptable to you.
Take responsibility for your actions. Instead of placing blame or complaining about the situation or how you’re feeling, take a step back and think about the choices you’ve made in a relationship and whether they may have contributed to the situation.
Know when it’s time to move on. You can share how you want to be treated in a relationship, but you aren’t responsible for your partner’s feelings or communication. Everyone has the right to be treated with respect and fairness. If someone can’t respect your boundaries, it may be time to end the relationship.
Area of boundaries
Boundaries can range from being open to being rigid. Here are some areas of boundaries:
• Professional boundaries — knowing what to say no to at work
• Boundaries in relationships
• Material boundaries — the things you own
• Physical boundaries — knowing what others are allowed to do
• Emotional boundaries — being clear on what emotionally drains you
• Mental boundaries — allowing for your opinions and thoughts
Personal Boundaries
Be self-compassionate. Learning how to treat yourself with self-compassion and kindness is one of the essential aspects of boundary setting. Self-compassion can protect you against unproductive feelings of shame, grief, and resentment.
Identify your needs and set smart goals. Learn to prioritise tasks and manage your time. Also, to shield your emotional and physical well-being, learn to protect your time and allow yourself enough rest. Don’t feel guilty about asking your partner, children, and other family members to respect your time alone.
Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness and relaxation can help you manage stress, boost your mood, and increase your optimism. Mindfulness practice is an excellent strategy to identify and observe automatic negative thoughts that trigger anxiety and let go of them.
Learn assertiveness. People who lack assertiveness skills have difficulties saying “no” and setting boundaries. Assertiveness involves confidence and self-assurance. It is about speaking for yourself respectfully, without being aggressive or submissive. Learning to communicate without either passively accepting or being aggressive can boost your communication skills and help you constructively manage conflicts.
Seek professional guidance. If you struggle with setting boundaries, mental health counselling can be an answer. A skilled counsellor can help you practice assertiveness, identify and set healthy boundaries, work on your false beliefs and replace them with more constructive ones.
Emotional Boundaries
Boundaries in our relationships are necessary as they let others know how we expect to be treated. Also, healthy boundaries ensure that relationships are mutually respectful.
We often believe that people will respect our boundaries because it is tacitly assumed what is suitable and acceptable. However, this is not always the case. In toxic relationships, personal boundaries are weak, or they don’t exist whatsoever, allowing people to violate each other’s boundaries.
For instance, a relationship with a narcissistic partner who consistently intrudes on your boundaries can diminish your self-respect and cause you to question your reality. Weak boundaries in toxic relationships can cause you to feel confused, anxious, and emotionally drained.
Emotional, mental, and physical boundaries in relationships help us to feel safe and respected. They can teach us how to say no, allowing us to focus on our needs and things that matter to us.
People who don’t set boundaries by saying “yes” to every demand are likely to turn into people-pleasers who seek approval from others to feel valued and worthy. Weak boundaries can cause you to feel overwhelmed and stressed in relationships with others. Learning to say “no” without further explanations enables you to clarify with others what they can expect from you and what you are comfortable with, preventing you from and being taken advantage of and hurt.
Boundaries With Partner
Setting boundaries with your partner ensures a healthy relationship that supports you both. It can also prevent a toxic relationship from developing.
Here are some ideas for setting boundaries in an intimate partnership:
Resist reactivity: Set the tone for the talk by being calm. If you're angry, upset, and aggravated, it may trigger your partner to become reactive. Pick a time when you're both relaxed and receptive to the conversation.
Avoid saying "You": It can sound accusatory and put your partner on the defensive if you start every sentence with, "You did" or, "You do." Think about your choice of words and use a calm, even tone.
Put down the phone: Be fully present with your partner. It may be best to put your phones on silent and flip them over for a few minutes. Incoming messages and notifications can be tempting to check. Give your partner your full attention and they will be more likely to do the same.
When we think of healthy boundaries, the first kind of relationship that might come to mind is the ones we have with romantic or sexual partners. Dating, in a way, is like a great melding of the minds. The longer you get to know someone, the more you figure out how compatible you are with one another. Often, healthy boundaries in romantic and sexual relationships come down to determining what you’re comfortable doing with your time, energy, body and space.
Healthy boundaries in a relationship are respectful of your space and autonomy and the space and autonomy of your partner. This means if you find yourself at your significant other’s house and you don’t feel comfortable spending the night, you should set a healthy boundary in place and determine what time you’re going to go home. Other healthy boundaries may determine how frequently you text or call one another, how often you spend time together and even establish expectations on what sexual activity is right for you.
Over time, these things may shift. You or your partner may even change how you feel about some of these boundaries, but the important thing is to communicate with each other before any issues become glaring red flags. It’s also important to respect the boundaries you put in place.
As much as you know another person, you never 100% know what their thoughts are or what their comfort level is. Their boundaries and comfort level may shift based on what’s going on in their life, so it’s important to check in with your partner every now and then to confirm where they stand on certain topics and issues and learn if anything has changed for either of you.
Boundaries With Parents
Addressing problems with parents can be stressful.
Be respectful: You have the power to set the tone for the conversation by being respectful. Think of it as an opportunity to come to them as a confident adult.
Stay cool and calm: Your parents may react or get upset during the conversation. While you can't control the choices they make, you can control your own response. If you stay cool and calm, they may too.
Keep it simple: Pick a small number of things to address, such as the one that is most bothering you and focus on that.
Setting healthy boundaries can feel all sorts of weird and wrong at first, but trust me when I say, they’re equally important to establish with mom, dad, siblings or even that one uncle who likes to go a little too hard on tough political beliefs at the holiday dinner party or the aunt who’s constantly being nosy about your private matters.
It can be hard to set up a healthy boundary if you grew up with someone being an authoritative figure over you. But it’s OK to set up these boundaries because you’re committing to yourself, you’re respecting yourself and it’s helping you retain a sense of identity. If you have helicopter parents who push the envelope on coming over unexpectedly or calling you multiple times every day, and these behaviours make you uncomfortable, it’s OK to tell them how you’re feeling. You can work together to figure out a healthy compromise that works for you both without either side feeling frustrated or neglected.
This same concept extends to tough, uncomfortable discussions where one person is pushing their religious beliefs, political ideology or words of wisdom when they’re not wanted or warranted. If something makes you uncomfortable, say so before it gets too out of hand. If it keeps happening despite your requests for change, then putting boundaries in place on whether you share time with that person may be essential. Setting these boundaries will help avoid burnout and also reinforce who you are as a person and what you need to remain healthy.
If you don’t set boundaries and you’re always letting other people sort of dictate your time or what you’re doing, it really can lead to a sense of exhaustion and burnout across the board.
Boundaries With Friends
Set the tone: Stay calm and be kind when communicating. This sets the standard for the conversation and will hopefully lead to positive outcomes.
Avoid "ghosting": While it can be hard to deal with something directly, avoiding a friend (ghosting them) prevents them from knowing the issue. Avoiding the issue altogether means they can't grow from the experience, and it doesn't allow you the opportunity to practice healthy boundaries.
Avoid gossiping: While it can be tempting to discuss your friendship frustration with mutual friends, this can get back to your friend and potentially hurt them.
Setting boundaries with friends can feel really personal, even when it’s not. Think about it. Some of us share everything with our friends. The limitations we put on our friendships can often fall by the wayside when we’re having fun. But a healthy boundary can show up in surprising ways.
Maybe you shared an intimate secret with your best friend and you’ve asked them not to tell anyone. A healthy boundary exists in respecting the request and expecting that request to be met. Or maybe you’re out for a few drinks and you want to head home early but your friend wants to stay out a little longer. Setting a healthy boundary and going home when you’re ready is important. Maybe you help establish a way for your friend to go home, or you come to an understanding that you’ll both check in with each other later.
How you handle it is up to you, but it’s important that you put these boundaries in place despite your fear that it might affect your friendship. After all, a true friend will understand not to cross a line when it comes to your health, happiness and safety.
Setting boundaries really lets you get rid of toxic relationships that maybe you didn’t even know you had. If people don’t respect your boundaries, you learn very quickly that maybe some of your friends aren’t respectful of you.
Boundaries at Work
Set boundaries for yourself: With telecommuting, teleworking, and the use of smartphones, the boundary between work and home has become increasingly blurred. Set a distinguishable stop time, close your computer, and take a break.
Chain of command: Be mindful of the chain of command at work. If you are having a problem with a colleague or manager and you can't speak to them directly, look for your organisation's chain of command, usually through human resources (HR).
Avoid gossiping: It can be tempting to discuss the problem with other colleagues, but this can backfire. It's better to address the issue directly but calmly with the other person. If possible and appropriate, involve a manager or supervisor.
Can you set up healthy boundaries at work, even if you’re dealing with a toxic work environment or a problematic boss? The answer is yes, but this one may take a bit more strategy and collaboration between you and your leadership team.
If your supervisor or manager doesn’t model healthy boundaries, it can be hard for an employee to try to set boundaries. Let’s say you’re pulling in multiple late nights and working on the weekends. If you’re finding yourself dealing with burnout in your workplace, you may want to sit down with your manager or team lead to discuss alternative methods to make your schedule mutually beneficial.
If you’re dealing with difficult co-workers who are making you uncomfortable and causing a stressful work environment, you can also set up healthy boundaries directly with them or by going to your human resources department and determining other solutions. At the end of the day, the key is making sure everyone you come in contact with at your job understands what’s OK and not OK when it comes to your physical space, emotional health and mental capacity.
You can have boundaries where you don’t overcommit yourself or you block time on your calendar where you can be productive. What’s key is having a conversation with your boss about what the expectations of your job are and creating boundaries from that discussion to help you meet your performance goals.
Consequences of not setting boundaries at work typically include stress, interpersonal conflicts and communication issues, emotional distress, and burnout, affecting other aspects of your life too. Poor boundaries at work often lead to low motivation and job satisfaction and expose you to bullying and harassment in the workplace.
Boundaries with strangers
And finally, it’s possible (and crucial) to set up healthy boundaries with just about everyone, even if they’re a complete stranger. If someone is invading your personal space in the grocery store or in line for an amusement park ride or convenience store, setting up a healthy boundary may look like asking them to politely step back and give you some breathing room. If someone starts getting aggressive with you, it may look like stepping back yourself and asking someone nearby for help.
You set healthy boundaries based on how you’re feeling in the moment and knowing how someone else’s actions will make you feel. If you ever feel unhappy, unsafe or pressured to do or feel something, it might be time to look at your options, determine what will make you feel better and set or adjust your boundaries.
You should know exactly what it is you want to accomplish as you go about setting new boundaries to protect your mental health. That way, you’ll make choices that really work. You’ll also find it easier to explain to loved ones why you won’t be available quite as often as you were in the past.
Digital Boundaries
Technology has become an ingrained part of our day-to-day lives. The amount of screen-time has significantly increased for billions of adults and children worldwide during the COVID-19 pandemic especially.
There’s a strong link between too much exposure to digital media and mental health issues. A non-stop connectivity is linked to increased stress, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and other mental health problems.
Setting boundaries toward technology helps you practice digital detox, allowing you to take breaks from using your social media and tech devices throughout the day.
Studies have shown that constant connectivity prevents us from feeling content and happy with our lives. Social media fosters our fear of missing out (FOMO), triggering feelings of dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
The social pressure from media may cause you to constantly compare yourself to others, leading to unhappiness and discontent. However, you can set boundaries towards the digital world the same way you do it in the real world. For example, when using social media, mindfully choose the content you share, who you follow, etc. Also, limit your device use during the day and avoid using them before bedtime.
If you work from home, designate different areas of your home as ‘work/study’ and ‘relax’ spaces to avoid becoming overwhelmed by juggling work and life. A digital detox can benefit your mood and well-being. Setting boundaries towards internet use can be a great way to take a break from technology and focus on more important things in your life.
You don’t have to disclose exact reasons for asking people to give you more space or time. How much you want to tell others about your history of depression, your anxiety issues or your recovery recommendations from your doctors is entirely up to you.
Nevertheless, you should share as much information about your condition with your loved ones as possible, staying within your comfort zone while still being open and honest. This way, they will understand why you need boundaries and why you’ve customised them the way you have.
Their knowledge about your circumstances can help them make good choices in their relations with you. The people who care about you the most will want to contribute to your wellness in any way they can, and they will reward your openness and trust by supporting your efforts to overcome your mental and emotional health challenges.
In general, your need for mental and physical space can be defined as a need for privacy. You value your alone time, and when you’re facing significant mental health challenges, you should seek out as much of it as seems wise and necessary. However, setting good boundaries doesn’t mean everyone should be treated equally. The people who bring you the most joy and happiness, whether your partners, children, parents, or close friends, can offer emotional and spiritual nourishment that will inspire and empower you. On the other hand, there may be people in your life that almost always cause you stress and discomfort or who undermine your determination to heal with their constant negativity and pessimism.
Your boundaries shouldn’t be one-size-fits-all. Some peoples’ presence will make you feel better, while others will make you feel worse, and your boundaries and how you apply them should be personalised in recognition of this reality. You should always be polite when establishing and explaining your boundaries. But you shouldn’t feel a need to treat everyone equally simply to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
If you’re setting new boundaries, it means you aren’t completely satisfied with the way your relationships are currently influencing your mental health. When the time comes to explain to others why you’ll be making some changes, it is important to tell them in a way that emphasises your needs and not their inadequacies or failures.
"Your boundaries shouldn’t be one-size-fits-all."
Instead of scolding or castigating them for how their past actions may have impacted you negatively, you should shift the focus away from them and onto you. Let your loved ones know as directly as possible what you need and desire and why. Explain to them why your boundaries are important for your mental health and why it is so vitally important for you to make some changes in your life in response to the challenges you’ve been facing.
When you take this approach, the people who care about you won’t feel judged or attacked. They will appreciate your honesty, and together you can work on setting more explicit boundaries that will prevent a recurrence of problems in the future.
No matter how much effort you put into creating boundaries that make sense, you won’t get it 100-percent right the first time. You’ll be trying something brand new, and as is often the case in such situations, you’ll need to experience some successes and some failures before you can figure it all out.
Some of your boundaries may turn out to be too strict, while others are too loose. You’ll know this because enforcing them will cause you persistent stress and discomfort, which won’t go away even after your boundaries have been in place for a few weeks. You may also discover you have mental health needs that still aren’t being met, meaning your boundaries weren’t extensive or inclusive enough.
You should view your boundary-setting activities as a work in progress. Honest self-critique and evaluation will help you decide what changes to make, and you should keep altering your approach until you’re completely satisfied with the results.
With respect to boundaries, your thoughtful efforts to create them and apply them will give you some excellent insights on what works and what doesn’t. These are insights that can definitely help your loved ones since just about everyone can benefit by doing more to look after their mental and emotional health.
If you’re motivated by the opportunity to be a role model for the people you care about, you’ll remain extra-vigilant about maintaining your mental-health-preserving habits. You’ll also open a discussion about the importance of setting boundaries among your wider social circle, which will help others understand why your boundaries really should be respected. This makes it a win-win proposition for everyone.
Your efforts to help your loved ones preserve their good mental health will be appreciated, and they will put you all on the same page as you work together to construct a wellness-oriented environment that is beneficial to all.
"In addition to setting your own boundaries, it’s important to appreciate those of others, too — even if they’re different from your own."
How to enforce boundaries?
Getting to know your own boundaries is a very powerful tool to stand on our own strength and become empowered and resilient. Here are a few ways to enforce boundaries:
Develop knowledge of yourself before setting boundaries. Be committed to your goals and only indulge in activities that empower you. Be clear on what your needs are before communicating it to others.
Have clarity in what you agree to. Communicate your expectations clearly, calmly, and consistently. Decide if any action, activity or conversation aligns with you or not. Take ownership of boundaries that you set up to achieve your goals.
Be vocal about someone disrespecting your boundaries. If your boundaries are transgressed, assess your choices and take action. Learn to speak up and suspend privileges to people who are not aligned with your boundaries.
Build the strength to say NO. Become comfortable with saying “no” and understand that you can say no without an explanation required. Learning to say “no” is a great way to maintain assertiveness. Withdraw from any agreed action if people involved are not following agreed boundaries. Decide if the boundary is negotiable and ask yourself how long you are willing to accept this behaviour. Practice detachment and seek help if needed.
Be assertive. You are using assertive language to state and maintain your boundaries. Assertive language is clear and non-negotiable.
Safeguard your space. Set physical and emotional boundaries and communicate these boundaries to your friends and family. Explain your emotions to your friends and family if these boundaries were to be broken.
Get support if needed. If you are struggling with creating and implementing boundaries, reach out to someone you trust or get professional help with creating and establishing these boundaries. Defining and asserting boundaries can get even trickier if you or a loved one lives with a mental health condition, mood disorder, or a history of trauma, especially if you share a living space together. It’s important to check in regularly to make sure that everyone is content with their needs being met, and boundaries respected.t
Give yourself permission to focus on yourself and make your safety and comfort a priority. A lot of the time, we stretch our boundaries or postpone setting and enforcing boundaries because we feel guilt or fear a negative response. In reality, boundaries not only contribute to healthy relationships with others, they also bolster self-respect and self-love!
Practice self-awareness. Listen to your gut! Part of creating boundaries is prioritising your comfort so you can feel safe and be present with others, but in order to do that you need to acknowledge your feelings and honour them. What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel uncomfortable? Remember that boundaries can shift and change as you grow; allow this to happen and hold space to recognise and sit in these feelings.
Name your limits. Sit with your emotions, and identify what you need physically, emotionally, and mentally so you can identify your limits and better communicate them to others.
If you aren’t sure where to start: Use “I Statements”. “I Statements” can help keep the focus on expressing your thoughts, feelings, and opinions without worrying what others are thinking. Describe your reaction to an unwelcome situation and why you have that response, then clearly lay out what you need to feel secure.
Be direct, clear, and simple. When setting and enforcing boundaries, state what you need as clearly and calmly as possible. You don’t need to justify, defend, or apologise for your boundaries. You can always adjust the tone or manner with which you enforce your boundaries if you like, as well. You get to decide how assertive to be, depending on your relationship with the other person, the circumstances, or even where your emotional ability lies on that day. If you are nervous or sensitive about certain boundaries, you can plan what you’d like to say to protect those limits in advance.
If setting boundaries makes you uncomfortable or anxious, start small. You 100% deserve to say no without feeling guilty, but it can take practice! Start by setting a small boundary in a space that feels more manageable, and work your way up. If it makes you feel more comfortable, you can offer an alternative when setting a boundary. For example, if someone asks you for a favour and you aren’t comfortable with it, you can offer some sort of tool that can help, or another person who might be useful. If you are nervous setting a more significant boundary, sit with it and think through what might happen as a result. Is this boundary and the safety it provides worth the discomfort of establishing and later enforcing it? For example, am I willing to take the steps required to distance myself from an emotionally harmful person to protect my sense of safety?
In addition to setting your own boundaries, it’s important to appreciate those of others, too — even if they’re different from your own.
Boundaries are essential for various reasons and look different to everyone. You might be concerned that they will make you seem unfriendly or confrontational, but, it is possible to maintain them without upsetting those you care about.
Don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries. They’re essentially a form of self-care, and we actively look to incorporate other elements of this into our lives daily — from eating a balanced diet to exercising. This is no different!
It might take some time and consideration to decipher the boundaries most important to you and the best ways to implement them, but your mental well-being will appreciate the effort in the long run.
Putting yourself first can be a challenge, but now is the time to do so. Learning to set boundaries can be a valuable skill that helps you heal and enriches your relationships in the future.
It's also important to realise that although boundaries can be a powerful tool for managing and shifting your emotions, they aren’t a substitute for mental health treatment. If distressing emotions interfere with your daily life, talk to a licensed mental health professional.
Setting healthy boundaries is a crucial part of life and an important aspect of any self-care practice. Someone who’s not used to setting boundaries might feel guilty or selfish when they first start out, but setting boundaries is necessary for mental health and wellbeing. Appropriate boundaries can look very different depending on the setting, and it’s important to set them in all aspects of one’s life.
"If distressing emotions interfere with your daily life, talk to a licensed mental health professional."
Finally, while setting boundaries is crucial, it is even more crucial to respect the boundaries that others have set for themselves. This goes for parents, children, romantic partners, bosses, coworkers, and anyone who interacts with or has power over anyone else. Respect is a two-way street, and appreciating the boundaries others have set for themselves is as important as setting boundaries for oneself.
Do we misuse the word selfish when people are clear about their needs? I think we do, yes. The definition I like is giving when you can and not giving when you can’t.. We need to think about what is actually being harmed when we use that word. If I am taking a day off work, that’s not the same as stealing someone’s credit. The key is practising saying “no” or “enough” in conversations like we are learning a new skill. We can start with little boundaries like: ‘I will call you back,’ if we aren’t ready to speak to someone at that time. With practice, confidence does build. It can become easy.
Learning to set healthy boundaries is a habit worth developing. Doing so is not selfish at all and will actually be beneficial to the people who depend on you in the long run.
Setting boundaries is a key part of staying mentally healthy and maintaining positive relationships. You don't have to do this work alone. It may be helpful for you and your loved ones to seek support and guidance on how to set boundaries from a mental health professional.
Remember that as an adult you always have choices. You don’t have to be friends with someone who takes advantage of you. You don’t have to work for someone who criticises you. You don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone who ignores you. Setting boundaries helps to find the courage and wisdom to live true to yourself.
Setting boundaries is a skill. It requires practice and conscious effort. It should be a priority for everyone. If your loved one has a hard time doing this, provide practical support. Let them know that you value them and want to see them happy. Work together on setting and maintaining boundaries and you will both be happier and healthier.
"Remember that as an adult you always have choices."
If you’re experiencing challenges with setting or asserting boundaries, or if someone is causing you difficulty by crossing them, never hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. Emotional backup can also take the form of support groups, spiritual community, or friends and family!
Allow your boundaries to shift and change. As we continue to live through this pandemic and enter post-pandemic life, our needs and limits may change, and that's okay. Allow yourself to continue to shift and change your boundaries around your space, time, and relationships as needed in an intentional way so you can continue to feel a sense of self.
Being consistent with implementing external and internal boundaries will increase your self-esteem, conserve emotional energy, and create more independence in your life. Once you’ve made boundaries known in your life, it’s natural for people to test them. Don’t falter. We all have different values and boundaries and we all deserve to have them respected. Honour your needs and make yourself the priority.
"Allow your boundaries to shift and change."
It’s natural for your priorities to change over time, and setting boundaries takes practice. For support identifying and setting boundaries, PlusVibes professional counsellors or volunteer crisis responders are available 24/7.
In conclusion, I applaud you for taking the time to learn about boundaries and why living with intention in this area of your life is so important for you quality of life. If you or someone you know has thoughts of death or suicide, having difficulties coping, or simply in need of
someone to talk to, you can call Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935 or 014-322 3392) Talian Kasih (15999 or WhatsApp 019-261 5999), Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929 or refer here: https://t.co/8dUaDOno4g. Or contact a medical professional, loved one, friend, or hospital emergency room.