When was the last time you told someone “No, I can’t help you with that” or “I have a different opinion”? It can feel risky and emotionally vulnerable to set limits or assert our needs or opinions (especially if we know they are different than other people’s).
Perhaps your inner voice sounds something like this:
“They’re going to hate me.”
“I’m a terrible person.”
“They’re going to think I’m difficult.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
You also may have a friend who pushes aside his/her needs to accommodate the needs of everyone else.
People-pleasing might not sound all that bad. After all, what’s wrong with being nice to people and trying to help them out or make them happy?
The people-pleaser needs to please others for reasons that may include fear of rejection, insecurities, the need to be well-liked. If they stop pleasing others, they think everyone will abandon them; they will be uncared for and unloved. Or they may fear failure; if they stop pleasing others, they will disappoint others, which they think will lead to punishment or negative consequences.
People-pleasers are known for doing whatever it takes to make other people happy. While being warm, kind, and helpful are positive traits, they can result in strong feelings of resentment, anxiety, stress, and emotional depletion when they come at your expense.
A people pleaser is someone who trends toward insecure or unhealthy relationships — to the point where they put other people’s needs above their own. They may apologise when there is no need for them to, or even when someone harms them. They may struggle to say “no” to work and personal requests.
"People pleasers often take the blame for others, even when other people hurt them."
While being a people pleaser is sometimes known as “good girl syndrome,” it can affect people of any gender and all ages. However, some research suggests women may be more prone to this behaviour, partly due to stereotypes.
People pleasers are motivated by a strong desire for approval and external validation, and may be insecure in their relationships. This insecurity makes them conform to other people’s opinions and expectations — even when they don’t want to — and can make it hard for them to say “no” when they are presented with something they genuinely don’t want or like. People pleasers often take the blame for others, even when other people hurt them. People pleasing isn’t a mental illness, but it can be an issue that adversely affects how many people, with or without mental illness, relate to others.
Most of all, people pleasers try to nourish other people without adequately nourishing themselves. We all know the line they say on airplanes, it’s become cliche: before helping anyone else put on their oxygen mask, put on your own. But this is as true in our emotional lives as it is in airplane safety. When we try to help others without actually being supportive of ourselves, we all end up running out of oxygen.
“People pleaser” is not a medical diagnosis or a personality trait that psychologists measure. Instead, it is an informal label people use to describe a variety of behaviours.
"When we try to help others without actually being supportive of ourselves, we all end up running out of oxygen."
What Is People-Pleasing, or Sociotrophy?
People-pleasing falls at the opposite end of the scale from autonomy. Autonomy places emphasis on independence whereas people-pleasers prioritise interpersonal relationships above all else.
A people-pleaser is a person who puts others needs ahead of their own. This type of person is highly attuned to others and often seen as agreeable, helpful, and kind, but people-pleasers can also have trouble advocating for themselves, which can lead to a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.
People-pleasing is associated with a personality trait known as "sociotropy," or feeling overly concerned with pleasing others and earning their approval as a way to maintain relationships. This behaviour can be a symptom of a mental health condition like:
Anxiety or depression
Avoidant personality disorder
Borderline personality disorder
Codependency or dependent personality disorder
Masochistic personality type
Being Nice vs. Being a People-Pleaser
There is a distinction between doing things to be nice and doing things because you're a people-pleaser. People often do nice things for a range of reasons: to feel good, to help, to return a favour, or to earn a favour. If you're doing something because you are afraid that you’ll be disliked or rejected if you say "no," there’s a strong chance that people-pleasing is at work.
How is People Pleasing Different Than Generosity?
People pleasing can look an awful lot like admirably generous or helpful behaviour. But there’s a difference: while true generosity comes from healthy self-regard and a genuine happiness from shared enjoyment, people pleasing comes from a place of lowered self-regard and a need for others’ approval.
People pleasers tend to make themselves subservient to others out of a desire for approval, which can be debilitatingly strong. They may find it difficult to take independent stances or stand up for themselves when they really need to. Fundamentally, people pleasing comes from an insecure sense of the self and a desire to base the entire sense of self on others’ opinions. This can come from a traumatic family history, other experiences of trauma or toxic, and abusive relationships.
Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser
You may recognise the characteristics of an overly giving person. They come across as obsequious and too eager to lend a hand. They do so because they need you to need them.
There are a number of characteristics that people-pleasers tend to share. Here are some signs that you might be a people-pleaser:
You have a difficult time saying "no."
You are preoccupied with what other people might think.
You feel guilty when you do tell people "no."
You fear that turning people down will make them think you are mean or selfish.
You agree to things you don’t like or do things you don’t want to do.
You struggle with feelings of low-self esteem.
You want people to like you and feel that doing things for them will earn their approval.
You’re always telling people you’re sorry.
You take the blame even when something isn’t your fault.
You never have any free time because you are always doing things for other people.
You neglect your own needs in order to do things for others.
You pretend to agree with people even though you feel differently.
People-pleasers tend to be good at tuning in to what others are feeling. They are also generally empathetic, thoughtful, and caring. These positive qualities may also come with a poor self-image, need to take control, or tendency to overachieve.
The people-pleaser may have traits that include:
Low self-worth
Accommodates everyone else’s needs
Undermines her own needs
Goes with the flow that’s dictated by others
Is too agreeable, in general
Does not assert themselves
Rarely says no
Feels valuable when complying with others
Values praise from others
Says sorry, when no apology is required
Takes the blame, when not at fault
Makes excuses for the faults of others
Has little self-awareness
Causes
In order to stop being a people-pleaser, it's important to understand some of the reasons why you might be engaging in this kind of behaviour. There are a number of factors that might play a role, including:
Poor self-esteem: Sometimes people engage in people-pleasing behaviour because they don't value their own desires and needs. Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers have a need for external validation, and they may feel that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance.
Insecurity: In other cases, people might try to please others because they worry that other people won't like them if they don't go above and beyond to make them happy.
Perfectionism: Sometimes people want everything to be "just so," including how other people think and feel.
Past experiences: Painful, difficult, or traumatic experiences may also play a role. People who have experienced abuse, for example, may try to please others and be as agreeable as possible in order to avoid triggering abusive behaviour in others.
Childhood Trauma: Difficult or traumatic past experiences, such as abuse, can lead people to become more agreeable in order to feel safe and secure. They may believe that pleasing others will stop any abusive behaviors from being triggered.
Family Dynamics: People-pleasing is frequently a learned behaviour. Children of people-pleasers may have witnessed their parents’ validation from certain behaviours and learned to act accordingly.
The motivation to help others can sometimes be a form of altruism. A person might genuinely want to make sure that other people have the help that they need. In other cases, people-pleasing can be a way to feel validated or liked. By making sure that people are happy, they feel as if they are useful and valued.
Altruism, or the desire to help others, is another common trait in humans. Sometimes, this might involve an element of self-sacrifice, such as giving money, time, or energy to a cause.
"They want to be well-liked, feel needed, feel appreciated, feel useful."
Do people-pleasers look for approval and validation from others?
Seeking approval and validation from others is a hallmark trait of a people-pleaser. This person wants assurance that he matters to the people around him. He doesn’t look for validation from within, he seeks it everywhere else. He wants to be recognised and accepted by everyone. For the most part, if he feels well-liked, he can relax and like himself as well.
Are people-pleasers insecure?
Yes, they are largely insecure. They want to be well-liked, feel needed, feel appreciated, feel useful. They do not rely on independent thinking, and they lack the confidence to do so. Often, they do not even recognise how they even feel. If they don’t please others, they worry about being disapproved of and dismissed.
Are people-pleasers conflict-avoidant?
Yes, they avoid anger and arguments. Keeping others happy is the goal, and conflict means the people-pleaser has failed in that objective. This person may even go so far as being the peacemaker between others, hoping to shine a positive light on themselves.
Do overly giving people tell white lies to spare others?
Yes. You may catch your over-giving friend fibbing; he wants to liberate you of information that may feel hurtful to you. Instead of telling the entire truth, you may receive a modified version from your people-pleaser. Generally, he does not want to hurt your feelings because he does not want to create displeasure for you. He does not share how he really feels.
"They need to tend to the needs of others, thinking this will fulfill their own emotional needs."
"They are not pleasing others out of love or benevolence, they are doing so out of fear."
How Others See Pleasers
People who are genuinely big-hearted with their time and efforts have a healthy self-regard, they know what they value as well as what gives them meaning. A people-pleaser, however, does not have high self-regard. They need to tend to the needs of others, thinking this will fulfill their own emotional needs. In addition, they spend time worrying about what others think about them; they are not pleasing others out of love or benevolence, they are doing so out of fear.
What’s Wrong With Being a People Pleaser?
As aforementioned, a people pleaser differs from being generous. People pleasers may have low self-esteem, and their actions may stem from a need for validation. They may also fear the impact of saying “no” or asking for their own needs to be met.
How Does People Pleasing Affect Your Mental Health?
For a people pleaser, their mental health can be negatively impacted by their actions. In many cases, their happiness and sense of self are affected by what others think. This characteristic means people pleasers can be disproportionately upset if someone is unhappy with them.
Unscrupulous people can take advantage of people pleasers. People pleasers may be overworked or become part of abusive relationships. They may have a hard time developing good confidence and a strong sense of self.
People-pleasing isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being a concerned and caring person is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships with loved ones. It becomes a problem, however, if you are trying to win approval in order to shore up weak self-esteem or if you are pursuing the happiness of others at the expense of your own emotional well-being.
If you are devoting all of your time to helping others in order to make them happy and win their approval, you might experience some of the following consequences.
Anger and Frustration
While you might actually enjoy helping, you are also bound to experience frustration when you are doing things reluctantly or out of obligation. These feelings can lead to a cycle of helping someone, feeling mad at them for taking advantage, and then feeling regretful or sorry for yourself.
Anxiety and Stress
Efforts to keep other people happy can stretch your own physical and mental resources too thin. Trying to manage it all can leave you plagued with stress and anxiety, which can have detrimental effects on your health.
Helping other people can actually have a number of mental health benefits. But not leaving time for yourself means you might end up experiencing the negative health consequences of excess stress.
Depleted Willpower
Devoting all of your energy and mental resources toward making sure that others are happy means you are less likely to have the resolve and willpower to tackle your own goals.
Some research suggests that willpower and self-control may be limited resources. If you are using your mental resources to make sure that other people have what they want or need, it might mean that you simply have little left to devote to your own needs.
Lack of Authenticity
People-pleasers will often hide their own needs and preferences in order to accommodate other people. This can make it feel as if you are not living your life authentically—it may even leave you feeling as if you don’t know yourself at all.
Hiding your true feelings makes it difficult for other people to get to know the real you. Self-disclosure is important in any close relationship, but it isn't effective if you aren't disclosing your true self.
Weaker Relationships
If you are putting all of your efforts into making sure that you meet other people's expectations, you may find yourself feeling resentful. While people might appreciate your giving nature, they may also begin to take your kindness and attentiveness for granted.
People may not even realise they are taking advantage of you. All they know is that you are always willing to lend a hand, so they have no doubt that you’ll show up whenever you're needed. What they may not see is how thin you are stretched and how overcommitted you might be.
Disordered eating
People-pleasers’ focus on social harmony may lead to their eating foods they do not like or want to eat, eating even when not hungry, and a preoccupation with matching the group’s eating habits. Research has demonstrated that people pleasers tend to overeat in social environments so the people around them are more comfortable, which can lead to disordered eating habits or eating disorders.
Tips to Stop People-Pleasing
Many people-pleasers are unaware of what they are doing; often, they don’t even know what they want or what their own needs entail. That is why it’s difficult for them to put themselves first. This stems from their self-worth being tied to what they do for others. In fact, doing things for others makes pleasers feel important. They need adulation and praise.
Fortunately, there are some steps that you can take to stop being a people-pleaser and learn how to balance your desire to make others happy without sacrificing your own.
"Many people-pleasers are unaware of what they are doing; often, they don’t even know what they want or what their own needs entail."
It's important to know your limits, establish clear boundaries, and then communicate those limits. Be clear and specific about what you're willing to take on. If it seems like someone is asking for too much, let them know that it's over the bounds of what you are willing to do and that you won't be able to help.
There are also other ways to create boundaries in your life to help reign in your people-pleasing tendencies. For example, you might only take phone calls at certain times to set limits on when you are able to talk.
You might also explain that you are only available for a specific period of time. This can be helpful because it ensures that you have control of not only what you are willing to do, but also when you are willing to do it.
Start Small
It can be hard to make a sudden change, so it is often easier to begin by asserting yourself in small ways. Changing behavioural patterns can be difficult. In many cases, you not only have to retrain yourself—but you also have to work on teaching the people around you to understand your limits.
Because of this, it can be helpful to start with small steps that help you work your way to being less of a people-pleaser. Start by saying no to smaller requests, try expressing your opinion about something small, or ask for something that you need.
For example, try saying no to a text request. Then work your way up to telling people "no" in person. Practice in different settings or situations such as when talking to salespeople, ordering at a restaurant, or even when dealing with co-workers.
Every time you take a small step away from being a people-pleaser, you'll gain greater confidence that will help you take back control of your life.
Set Goals and Priorities
Consider where you want to spend your time. Who do you want to help? What goals are you trying to accomplish? Knowing your priorities can help you determine whether or not you have the time and energy to devote to something.
If something is sapping your energy or taking too much of your time, take steps to address the problem. As you practice setting those boundaries and saying no to things you don't really want to do, you'll find that you have more time to devote to the things that are really important to you.
Get in touch with your own needs
If you are putting other people’s needs ahead of yourself, you may want to define your own. What would you like from your work and personal relationships? Consider journaling about this topic or making a list you can refer to. Remind yourself you are allowed to ask for what you want and are permitted to have needs.
Try self-care
People pleasers sometimes have a hard time caring for themselves. Set aside time each week to do something you enjoy. Make a list of ways you can care for yourself and practice these activities.
Try Positive Self-Talk
If you start to feel overwhelmed or tempted to cave, build up your resolve with positive self-talk. Remind yourself that you deserve to have time for yourself. Your goals are important, and you shouldn’t feel obligated to give away your time and energy on things that don’t bring you joy.
Would self-compassion help the people-pleaser?
If you are a people-pleaser, you will need to get to know yourself. Knowing who you are and what you value will open the door to a better understanding of your beliefs, emotions, and needs. This will also help you value yourself with a dose of healthy self-compassion.
Stall for Time
When someone asks for a favour, tell them you need some time to think about it. Saying "yes" right away can leave you feeling obligated and overcommitted, but taking your time to respond to a request can give you the time to evaluate it and decide if it's something you really want to do. Before you make a decision, ask yourself:
How much time will this take?
Is this something I really want to do?
Do I have time to do it?
How stressed am I going to be if I say "yes?"
Assess the Request
Another step toward overcoming being a people-pleaser is to look for signs that other people are trying to take advantage of your generosity. Are there people who always seem to want something from you but are suddenly unavailable if you need them to return the favour? Or do some people seem to be aware of your generous nature and ask because they know that you won't say "no?"
If it feels like you're being manipulated into doing things, take some time to assess the situation and decide how you want to handle the request. For repeat offenders or people who keep insisting that you should help, be firm and clear.
Avoid Making Excuses
It’s important to be direct when you say "no" and avoid blaming other obligations or making excuses for your inability to participate. Once you start explaining why you can't do something, you are giving others a way to poke holes in your excuse. Or you may be giving them the chance to adjust their request to ensure that you can still do what they are asking.
Try using a decisive tone when you decline something and resist the urge to add unnecessary details about your reasoning. Remind yourself that "no" is a complete sentence.
Remember that Relationships Require Give and Take
A strong, healthy relationship involves a certain degree of reciprocity. If one person is always giving and the other is always taking, it often means that one person is forgoing things that they need to ensure that the other person has what they want.
Even if you enjoy pleasing others, it is important to remember that they should also be taking steps to give to you in return.
Help When You Want to Help
You don’t need to give up being kind and thoughtful. Those are desirable qualities that can contribute to strong, lasting relationships. The key is to examine your motivations and intentions. Don’t do things only because you fear rejection or want the approval of others.
Keep doing good things, but on your own terms. Kindness doesn’t demand attention or rewards—it simply requires a desire to make things better for another person.
If being a people-pleaser is making it difficult to pursue your own happiness, it's important to find ways to set boundaries and take back your time. Remind yourself that you can’t please everyone.
If being a people-pleaser is interfering with your well-being, talk to a mental health professional. A trained therapist can work with you to help manage your behaviour, prioritise your own needs, and establish healthy boundaries.
People-pleasing might sound like a nice thing, but it doesn’t do you or your loved ones any favours. If you feel exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy, consider talking to a therapist about how you can make yourself happy first.
Again, if your (or a loved one’s) people-pleasing tendencies are affecting your health, mental health and overall well-being, it is important that you speak to a professional. A trained therapist will help set boundaries, re-establish self-care, manage behaviours, prioritise needs, and uncover the root causes.
"Kindness doesn’t demand attention or rewards."
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