“Enabler” describes someone whose behavior allows a loved one to continue self-destructive patterns of behavior.
It’s human nature to want to care for & help someone you love. But, there is a very fine line, between being supportive & enabling bad behaviors. It can be very difficult to see the line at all.
Because of that, people frequently end up on the wrong side of the line & they don’t even know it.
A lot of partners engaged in enabling behaviors, such as lying/covering for them/threatening to leave but not following through. Enabling may seem like a kindness in the moment, but, in reality, it prolongs the process of coming to terms with problems & finding help to recover.
You can enable someone’s bad behavior in many ways. Usually, enabling happens accidentally. You were trying to help, but after months or years of trying, they’re still stuck in the old spot.
"Enabling may seem like a kindness in the moment, but, in reality, it prolongs the process of coming to terms with problems & finding help to recover."
These “helping” behaviors are okay if they happened only once or twice. But if these “rescues” happen repeatedly, all you’re doing is preventing your loved one from learning the cause-and-effect pattern of their behaviors.
They don’t get the opportunity to grow from their mistakes, and gain confidence to handle tough situations.
Enabling is directly or indirectly supporting someone else’s unhealthy tendencies.
Whether it’s alcohol addictions, other selfish behavior, or general irresponsibility, allowing someone to continue to choose damaging behaviours, or in any way assisting them, only deepens the damage. Your intention is to help, but acting as an enabler does quite the opposite.
Enabler often takes responsibility for their loved one’s actions and emotions. They focus their time and energy on covering those areas where their loved one may be lacking.
There are two types of enablers: passive enablers and active. Passive enablers are typically unaware of what’s happening. Active enablers on the other hand do see what is happening but fail to take action.
They’re hesitant to speak up about what they are experiencing because they think they lack the status to bring a complaint forward or fear that there will be repercussions.
Enabling behaviors are also associated with codependence. This may be linked to your past experiences/relationships such as history of neglect/abuse, growing up with dismissive parents, family history or having caregivers with personality disorder or overprotective caregivers.
So what’s the difference between supporting & enabling? Supporting includes assisting with things they’re incapable of doing for themselves, or doing things that help facilitate them to gain control of their behaviours/life.
Enabling behaviors, on the other hand, keep someone from dealing with the negative consequences of their actions. Not dealing with these consequences gives the impression that their behavior is somehow acceptable and right.
For instance, a parent who let a child skip school because they are late with an assignment is enabling irresponsibility. A partner who accepts a hangover as being “sick” is enabling alcohol abuse and overlooking the symptoms.
Enablers may feel as though they’re being supportive, helpful, or accepting, but the reality is that they are causing the behaviors to worsen.
Enablers often try to solve problems for the people they are trying to help. Makes them feel like they’re doing something good for them. The truth is, you’re hurting them. They’re unable to live their life in a healthy, independent and responsible manner, & becomes dependent.
When someone you care about engages in unhealthy behavior, it can be natural to make excuses for them or cover up their actions as a way to protect them. You may justify their behaviours by acknowledging that they’ve gone through a difficult time or live with specific challenges.
But if making excuses for destructive/harmful behavior becomes a habit & gives room to more toxic behavior, you’re inadvertently reinforcing said behaviors.
It prevents them from facing the consequences of their actions, making it more difficult for them to realize they might need help.
When you engage in enabling behaviours, frequently the bulk of your time and energy is focused on the other person. This may make you feel like you’re belittling your own needs. A common sign of enabling behavior is to put someone else’s needs before yours.
Rather than confronting or setting boundaries, you may persistently steer clear of conflict by skipping the topic or pretend they didn’t see the problematic behavior.
This only allow the unhealthy behavior to continue, even if you believe a conflict-free environment will help the other person. You may also feel fearful of their reaction if you confront them, or you feel like they may stop loving you if you stop covering up for them.
Sometimes, when all your time and energy is focused on your loved one, you might feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated or reciprocated, thus, erupting the feelings of resentment.
You might feel depleted and blame them for taking all your energy and time. At the same time, it may be difficult for you to stop enabling them, which in turn might increase your irritation.
Initial step to manage enabling behaviours is recognising the cause. It is helpful to reach out to a mental health professional.
They can work with you in exploring why you’ve engaged in such behaviors and what coping skills to develop to stop. They can also help you learn ways to support, rather than enable, your loved one.
It’s possible to manage enabling behavior. Acknowledging that a problem exists, setting boundaries, and even seeking professional guidance are just a few ways you can provide support to someone else, without putting your needs aside.
Create boundaries. Use direct language to clearly state what you are no longer willing to do for them. Let them know that you still love and support them, but you cannot excuse or enable their behavior. Encourage them to get professional help instead.
Sticking to your boundaries isn’t only for your own sanity, the person you’re trying to help will ultimately feel more secure if they can count on you keeping your word, even if they initially fight back. You're also being a good role model for consistent behavior.
There’s often a fine line between enabling and supporting. Both often grow from a place of wanting to help. When you support someone, you give them the tools they need to overcome their challenges.
Give them information about mental health professionals. This is the opposite of giving opportunities to continue engaging in self-destructive behaviors.
"Encourage them to get professional help."
It can be difficult to say no when someone we care about asks for our help, even if that help only cause more harm than good. You might feel torn seeing your loved one face a difficult moment. This is natural.
We’re all human, and when someone we care about keeps sabotaging themselves, it’s easy to get frustrated. This frustration can make us do things like guilt-tripping them.
Before you start to help someone, it’s important to acknowledge that you can't control another person's behavior, and it's not your job to do so.
Provide a non-judgmental space for them to share. Give them ample space to talk through their thoughts and feelings. Don’t interfere with your own opinions and advice just yet.
You can disagree with their behaviors later, but there's no reason to disagree with their feelings. People feel how they feel, and you must respect that.
The road to recovery and change is almost never a spotless one, so it’s important not to guilt trip or shame them if and when they slip.
Help them set realistic, positive milestones right from the start. It’s your job to remind them how hard change is, and how proud they should be of every win.
Not only does this positively reinforce good behaviors but also gives them permission to feel good about themselves, which is probably not easy for them if they’ve been struggling with unhealthy behaviors for a while.
"The road to recovery and change is almost never a spotless one."
To support someone, you lend them a hand to accomplish goals that are healthy and responsible. To enable someone, you lend them a hand to accomplish goals that are likely irresponsible and unhealthy in the long-run.
Avoid assuming that the situation is your fault. If your loved one continues to drink, use drugs, overspend, get into trouble with the law, avoid taking on the burden of responsibility. You are only responsible for your actions, and no one else’s.
If they blame/criticise you, it’s only because they cannot cope with what they are doing. They have a problem that they continue to deny and seek to blame others instead. Learn to love yourself. Believe that you deserve to be treated with respect.
Remember that you cannot make someone change. Understand that when they’re in denial, it can be very difficult to change their ways. Avoid thinking that you can solve their problems.
Recognize that if you are enabling someone, that you are likely facing challenges with stress, feelings of responsibility or guilt, or frustration with the situation. Avoid repressing your feelings, and find healthy ways to cope.
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