Does the way someone communicates with you make you question your reality? Have you ever questioned yourself after an argument with someone? Maybe they made you second-guess your memory of something that happened. Or they downplayed your feelings, causing you to question if you overreacted. They turn the story around to make it seem like you are at fault—deflecting attention and blame away from them to make you feel guilty. Then, perhaps they are gaslighting you.
“You’re crazy – that never happened.”
“Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
“It’s all in your head.”
“You are wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
“You are imagining things.”
“Stop overreacting.”
“You are too sensitive.”
“I do not know what you are talking about.”
“I do not understand, you are just trying to confuse me.”
Does your partner or people around you repeatedly say things like this to you? Do you often start questioning your own perception of reality, even your own sanity, within your relationship? If so, they may be using what mental health professionals call “gaslighting.”
"Gaslighters are master manipulators."
Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse where a person uses verbal and behavioural tricks to convince another person they are losing their mind or—at the very least—cannot trust their own judgment. Why? To gain control. It’s a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind.
Gaslighting can come from a romantic partner, a boss, a friend, or anyone else. People who gaslight play dangerous mind games to gain control over others. Gaslighters are master manipulators. They lie or withhold information, pit people against each other, and always place blame elsewhere, all the while gaining control over those they are gaslighting.
Gaslighters need control and power. In a relationship, they need to be in charge, and they need to be right about everything, routinely imposing their judgments on you. The average gaslighter might insist you've made a mistake or say your opinions are invalid and you are feebleminded. The idea is to shift blame if they're at fault or give themselves an advantage over you.
A gaslighter’s tactics—constantly criticising, blaming, making verbally abusive statements, intimidation, denial of responsibility, minimising abusive behaviour, and proclaiming dissatisfaction with a relationship—may be subtle at first. You may not sense something is deeply wrong until you find yourself existing in a never-ending state of confusion and self-doubt.
A person on the receiving end of gaslighting may truly believe that they are not mentally well, that their memories are not accurate, or that their mind is playing tricks on them. This makes them feel dependent on the abusive person.
"The idea is to shift blame if they're at fault or give themselves an advantage over you."
Gaslighters are blamers, using lines like, “You made me do it” or “I did it because you wouldn’t listen to me.” They may accuse you of having issues or needs that they actually have, such as suggesting you’re not being honest with yourself. They may find ways to take credit for your accomplishments. When a gaslighter gives a compliment or apology, it is often backhanded: “You look almost as good as you did when I first met you” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
After an argument, you wonder if you are the one being too sensitive or dramatic. The person dismisses your feelings, making you feel like they aren’t warranted or that you can’t keep your emotions in check. They might tell you that “you’re just overreacting” or to “stop making everything such a big deal.”
Now, the real question is, is gaslighting a form of emotional abuse?
When somebody gaslights because they want to control another person, they are emotionally abusing. Even if gaslighting stems from narrow-mindedness rather than the desire to harm, it hurts and is unacceptable.
So why do people gaslight?
"People are not born gaslighters. Rather, it is socially learned."
Well, the goal is always to weaken resistance, break spirits, appear blameless, and create chaos and confusion in the mind of the "gaslight-tee."
Gaslighting isn’t an isolated or occasional event. It’s an insidious and persistent pattern of behaviour that keeps you questioning yourself and those around you while slowly eroding your self-esteem and even your identity.
People are not born gaslighters. Rather, it is socially learned. It is either a planned effort to gain control and power over another person, or it because someone was raised by a parent or parents who were gaslighters, and they learned these behaviours as a survival mechanism.
It bears repeating that gaslighting is an unhealthy form of control arising from a need to dominate others. Certain mental health conditions such as narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder lend themselves to gaslighting as those illnesses give people a distorted view of themselves and others and a propensity toward manipulating others for their own ends by any means necessary, as well as never acknowledging their own culpability or faults and projecting that onto others.
Persistent gaslighting can be catastrophic for the mental health of the person on the receiving end causing him/her to believe they deserve the abuse. The impact can last long after the gaslighter is out of the victim's life and very often leads to a lifetime of self-doubt and difficulty making decisions.
Gaslighting and its effect on mental health
Gaslighting can make you question everything from your memory to your intelligence. Repeat attempts to persuade you that you are weak-minded might make you imagine the manipulator must be right about you, and you could depend on them to help you see sense.
Gaslighting damages relationships. An imbalance of power evolves, whereby the manipulator takes control. The gaslighted person may be anxious, apologetic, and nervous. They might also feel frustrated and hopeless and worry they are inadequate.
If someone gaslights you, you might know something is wrong, but confusion stops you from figuring out the cause. Gaslighted individuals sometimes lose a sense of identity and feel numb.
Gaslighting causes chronic stress and severe emotional distress. The constant barrage of verbal (and sometimes physical) assaults eventually wears away your sense of identity, self-worth, and self-confidence while also eating away at your sanity. You may be more vulnerable to gaslighting if you suffer from any mental health issues that weaken your resistance, such as a history of abuse or trauma, low self-esteem or depression, for example.
Gaslighting can lead to increased anxiety and depression. Although gaslighting may not be the only factor leading to mental illness but the same factors that leave a person vulnerable to gaslighting may result in lower self-esteem, uncertainty about their own reality, anxiety, and ultimately depression.
Over time, you begin to believe that there is something wrong with you because one of the most important people in your life is telling you this.
"You might know something is wrong, but confusion stops you from figuring out the cause."
Being consistently told that you are wrong, confused, or even “crazy” can have devastating effects on mental health. Along with questioning their own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless. Gaslighting abuse symptoms also include low self-esteem, disorientation, self-doubt, and difficulty functioning in school, at work, or in social situations.
As a result, people who experience gaslighting are at a high risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Young adults who suffered from these conditions prior to the abuse may be more vulnerable to gaslighting, which in turn makes their mental health issues worse. Moreover, even after leaving an abusive relationship, people who have been gaslit often struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and have difficulty both trusting others and trusting themselves. Hence, they may engage in codependent relationships and have trouble building authentic connections. Because gaslighters usually don’t apologise or admit wrongdoing, it’s harder for their victims to move on from the experience.
If you suspect you are being gaslighted, here are some advices:
Pay attention to what the person does, not what they say. Gaslighters say one thing, but their actions say another.
Don’t listen to someone who constantly tells you “you’re crazy” or makes similar comments that make you routinely question yourself.
Don’t believe anyone who tells you that others, especially your family and/or friends, agree with them and not you. Gaslighters will often use those closest to you as ammunition.
Remember that it’s not you; the gaslighter is 100% responsible for their behaviour.
Present incontrovertible evidence and be direct with the gaslighter when they try to deny or evade the truth, as long as you are in a position of safety when doing so.
Things to look out for when you suspect that you’re being gaslighted:
Lying about or denying something and refusing to admit the lie even when you show them proof
Insisting that an event or behaviour you witnessed never happened and that you’re remembering it wrong
Spreading rumours and gossip about you, or telling you that other people are gossiping about you
Changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other gaslighting behaviour
Telling you that you’re overreacting when you call them out
Blame shifting in relationships—saying that if you acted differently, they wouldn’t treat you like this, so it’s really your fault
Trying to smooth things over with loving words that don’t match their actions
Twisting a story to minimise their abusive behaviour
Minimising their hurtful behaviours or words by saying something like, “It was just a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive”
Separating you from friends and family who might recognise your gaslighting abuse symptoms.
Gaslighters do not respect boundaries, and they tend to lash out when you try to enforce them. Staying in a relationship where there is emotional abuse like gaslighting makes it more likely you will also be the victim of life-threatening or deadly physical abuse, and that’s one big reason why it’s so important to establish distance.
Let us take a look at how gaslighting may occur in relationships. There are a variety of gaslighting techniques that an abusive partner might use:
1. Withholding
This describes someone who pretends not to understand something, or who refuses to listen.
Ex. “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”
2. Countering
This tactic involves an abusive person questioning someone’s memory of events, even though they have remembered them correctly.
Ex. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
3. Blocking/Diverting
This technique occurs when an abusive person changes the subject, or focuses on the credibility of what someone is saying rather than the content. Some people also call it “blocking.”
Ex. “Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]?” or “You’re imagining things.”
4. Trivialising
This refers to an abusive person making someone’s concerns or feelings seem unimportant or irrational.
Ex. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”
5. Forgetting/Denial
This involves an abusive person pretending they have forgotten something, or denying that something happened.
Ex. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”
Effects of gaslighting on your personality:
You second-guess your recollection of past events.
You’re told that it never happened or that you are misremembering the details. For some reason, the other person’s interpretation of an event does not match yours—and it’s making you question just how reliable your own memory is, or how justified your reaction is. They might tell you that “You have a selective memory” or claim that you’re “changing the story” and “making things up” to your own benefit.
You find yourself apologising for things you didn’t do.
You start apologising unnecessarily, even if you did nothing wrong. After any argument or confrontation, you actually start believing that you might be at fault.
You make excuses for other people’s bad behaviour.
Your friends and family aren’t the biggest fans of your partner, so you feel the need to defend them. You start keeping certain details about your relationship to yourself and hiding things about the person from the important people in your life. You know your partner’s behaviour would be seen as unacceptable, so you’re ashamed to expose the dynamics of your relationship.
You think there’s something wrong with you.
You wonder if you’re losing it or going crazy. When arguing with the person, they’ll tell you that “It’s all in your head.” You don’t feel good enough, or you can’t seem to get things right. You think it’s your fault and that if you tried harder or did better, the state of your relationship would improve.
You trust the judgement of others over your own.
You’ve started to doubt what is or isn’t normal in a relationship. They’ll say things like, “It’s normal to fight like we do” or “You don’t know what makes a good relationship.” So, when given a choice, you doubt your own judgment and think that others have better logic than you do. You don’t trust yourself and have trouble making your own decisions.
You think something might be off.
You’re not as happy and confident as you used to be. Your gut is telling you there is something wrong with your relationship, but you might be afraid to admit it or speak up.
Once you’ve figured out how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, the next step is removing yourself from the relationship, if at all possible, and avoiding other potential gaslighting situations. Here are some ways to take action and protect yourself if you are being gaslit in a relationship or at work.
Talk to others about what’s happening.
Don’t let the gaslighter separate you from friends, family, or colleagues who care about you and respect your viewpoint. Share what’s going on with as many people as possible so they can validate your experience.
Focus on actions, not words.
A gaslighter may sometimes tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you in the relationship. But their words are meaningless if their behaviours don’t change as well.
Remind yourself that you are not the reason for a gaslighter’s abuse.
There is nothing you could or should have done differently to avoid being gaslit. The abusive behaviour was not your fault—it was about the gaslighter’s attempts to control and manipulate you.
Don’t try to argue with a gaslighter.
Gaslighting is not a rational behaviour and gaslighters will not respond to logic or admit their true motivation. If a partner, friend, or colleague turns a conversation into an opportunity to insult you or question your sanity or ability, step away from the discussion—and the relationship if possible.
Practice trusting yourself again.
Once you have ended a relationship with a gaslighter, it may take some time and practice to start trusting your instincts and your perceptions again. Remember that the picture the gaslighter painted of you is not the truth of who you are.
Address unconscious gaslighting, or it will continue.
Your partner, or whoever gaslights you, might be unaware their behaviour hurts you. So, tell them how you feel. Explain the way they communicate with you damages your relationship. Talk when you are both calm and available and outline the behaviour that upsets you.
For example, "When you say I’m oversensitive, the thought I have is that I am not loved, and I feel small”. Framing your sentences like this helps the gaslighter see the exact behaviour you find unacceptable and its consequences. It also makes them think about their intentions and reminds them to take responsibility for their behaviour.
Tell them how you want them to communicate with you.
"What I need from you is validation of my feelings when I express them. Responding this way will help me recognise you care for me and accept me."
If the gaslighter reacts negatively, remind them your relationship is at stake and ask them if it matters to them. Be patient if the individual is willing to change. Open, mature communication is a skill that takes time to master.
When a gaslighter refuses to alter their behaviour, consider whether you want them in your life. Healthy relationships involve kindness and support, and someone who knowingly gaslights you won't offer these qualities.
Gaslighting is hurtful, and you need not put up with it. Sometimes, a perpetrator is unconscious of the damaging effects of their behaviour, and it's worth enlightening them. You might help them improve their communication skills and save your relationship. Other gaslighters are aware of their actions and mean harm and doubtless you can do without them.
Overcoming the mental health consequences of gaslighting
After being in a relationship, friendship, or work environment with someone who was gaslighting you, additional support is often necessary to address gaslighting abuse symptoms. Support groups with others who have gone through similar relationships can be very helpful in helping victims overcome feelings of isolation and self-blame. Therapy can help people who have been gaslit to heal the self-doubt, self-esteem issues, lack of trust, depression, and/or PTSD resulting from this painful experience.
Treatment with compassionate mental health professionals, alongside a caring community of peers, can allow people to get back on track with their relationships and their sense of self-worth.
When to seek help
If someone frequently feels confused or questions their sanity because of the comments someone makes, it is probably time to seek help. These feelings could be signs of psychological abuse. People in gaslighting relationships can call domestic abuse helplines to get advice and to determine if what they are experiencing is abuse.
A doctor or therapist will also be able to help someone with the mental impact of gaslighting.