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Episode 24: Mental Health, A Test To Friendship


I am that friend that messages first. I am the friend that never arrives empty-handed. I am that friend who’s always a call/text away whenever someone needs help. I am the friend that celebrates your successes louder than my own. These things stem from a place of love.


My friends are my chosen family; I put a lot into these relationships because I know I can be challenging to deal with and understand what it’s like to feel alone.


I’ve been there for everyone for years. Until I stopped one day and focus more on myself and my mental health since I was diagnosed with depression. Now the tables have turned, you’d think the roles have now reversed, but instead people leave because the equilibrium has now changed.

"Go cry! That's right! Get down and cry! You ruin everything! Go off to some corner and take care of your 'mental illness' or whatever this is! We're sick of hearing about it!"


The person yelling had been one of my dearest friends. The mental illness she mentioned? That was real. Before my diagnosis, I cried for a year. Almost nonstop. And her attitude reminded me why so many sufferers of a mental illness remain in the closet.

Well there’s one of 2 possibilities I see here:

  1. My friends had to temporarily distance themselves in order to protect themselves. I’m depressed, and I know that caring for someone with depression can be extremely draining. Maybe that person just needs their space for the time being, but will still be there for you.

  2. If that ‘friend’ truly has left you for good, simply due to you being depressed, then that person is a piece of crap and isn’t worth your friendship in the first place.

I always wonder, even to date, "how do you keep friends?" Ones who know you and know your illness, and still love you."


True, not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever. Some friendships naturally grow apart. As the saying goes, friends come into your life either for a reason, a season or a lifetime.


Having mental health issues, as I am sure you are aware, really can take a toll on your life. You can lose many things: hope, enthusiasm, functionality, drive, confidence and even social skills, which can affect your relationships with friends.


"Friends come into your life either for a reason, a season or a lifetime."

Sometimes friends do not mean to upset you or make things worse, but they may make you feel like a burden to be around, they may fail to include you in things, and they may see you for the illness rather than the person. This is a reflection on them, not you.

Throughout my struggles I have lost friends, and realised the amount of ‘fake’ friends I have had, who would just use me left, right and centre.

"If you have a friend who is going through mental health issues, do not give up on them."

In my opinion, you don’t need much from your friends, it can just be as simple as just being there when I needed them, supporting me, talking to me and being a positive distraction. Leaving me with a smile at the end of a tough day. Not giving up on asking me to go out (even when I would say no). Accepting me for who I am, faults and all. Because those are the things I would do willingly do or offer to my friends.


If you have a friend who is going through mental health issues, do not give up on them. Eventually, they will come round. Do not take offence and blame yourself – it is just how they are for the time being, but they do acknowledge your supportive nature. Play it simple: be there when they need you. Sometimes it is as simple as sending a little text, letter, email, voice note – anything – just to let them know they are not alone. Even if you don’t know what to say or how to help, the important thing is that you are there for them.

 

If you're starting to feel like your "bestie" is no longer the best thing for you, chances are you're in a toxic friendship. This kind of friendship has a tendency to sneak up on people because the signs are often subtle. But generally, a toxic friendship "emotionally harms you, rather than helping you.

You can tell a friend is toxic when they cause stress and sadness or anxiety and doesn't help you be who you want to be. And if all that weren't enough, a toxic friendship can also drain you and make you doubt yourself.


In general, being in a toxic friendship can do a real number on your mental health by depleting your energy, making you lash out on loved ones, and even lose sleep. Toxic relationships put our bodies into high-stress mode. The stress of navigating unpredictable or negative situations creates an atmosphere of dread and discomfort.

So if you aren't getting what you need from a friendship — companionship, enjoyment, and support — then it may just be time to leave it in the past.


"If the pattern is so ingrained that you always feel like you're giving, giving, giving, and there's no reciprocity over a long period of time — that's a sign that it's not gonna be very sustainable."

If your friend always seems to need your help, but can’t return even the smallest favour, then chances are they’re toxic. You can tell when there's a big imbalance between what you're giving and what you're getting. Case in point: that friend who you will always text and check up on suddenly lashed out on you for not texting or calling them as much, when they’ve never taken the time to check on you or text you first.


Of course, I don’t advise dumping a friend who’s not able to be there for you all the time, especially if they’re going through a tough time themselves. It's important that we understand that friendships be flexible. But if the pattern is so ingrained that you always feel like you're giving, giving, giving, and there's no reciprocity over a long period of time — that's a sign that it's not gonna be very sustainable.


Friendships are built on trust. After all, if you can’t rely on your BFF, what’s the point of having one? If you don't trust that they have your best interests in mind, that's often a sign that something's not working.

 

"You are valid, no matter what anyone else says or thinks."

You are not responsible for what others think of you or how they view certain topics. You also cannot change their thoughts, even if it bothers you. I sure wanted to scream to the rooftops that mental health is more complicated than just choosing to stay in bed all day and be lazy. But I held my tongue. Mostly because I knew it wouldn’t change anything. I am not responsible for what they think or feel about me.


You are valid, no matter what anyone else says or thinks. You are valid — no. matter. what. Yes, even if you don’t have a professional diagnosis. Yes, even if you haven’t showered in days because you’re hella depressed. Yes, even if other people are knocking you down and refusing to hear you when you speak your truth. Yes, even if you have other things in life to be grateful for. You. Are. Valid. Always.


It’s not easy to block other people’s thoughts, comments, and biases out of your head, so instead of focusing on doing that, focus on validating yourself. When you catch yourself being affected by their judgement or subscribing to their narrow perspectives of reality, stop and remind yourself that you are here, you are strong, and you are valid — 100%. All that matters is getting yourself through the day, then the week, then life, step by step. All that matters is knowing that you matter and your story is yours to decide.


Nothing is foolproof, and we’ll probably always have people in the world with painfully limited perspectives who refuse to hear anything else. But like I mentioned, knowing your own truth is what matters the most. Focus on that.


If you’re out there and you’re struggling with friends who are not supportive of you through your mental health journey, I just want to take this moment to say that I am so sorry, and you are still so strong. An environment like that can make it even more difficult to recover, but it’s also frightening to think about having no support system at all.


No matter what, you are valid. And for each one of you, I hope that you someday find the peace you need and the people who can help you develop it.

 

While there's a spectrum of talking about people behind their back, if your friendship is starting to resemble an episode of the Real Housewives, it’s probably toxic. The key, is knowing if your friend is speaking out of genuine concern for your best interests or not. It's one thing for some friends to be like, 'You know, I really don't like that guy she’s dating. He seems like a jerk, and I'm concerned about it”. However, once it launches into “Oh my god, she always dates the dumbest guys” and they’re kind of laughing about it and making fun of her — that really veers into cruelty.


"A true friend may not always tell you what you want to hear, but they won't try to shame you. A true friend speaks with respect."

In a toxic friendship, the person criticises you, uses your failures against you, or makes you feel bad about yourself. This isn’t just teasing in fun; this is the kind of talk that puts you down, in a way that makes you question yourself — that’s a problem. If they constantly make fun of your style, home, or body in a way that leaves you walking around in self-doubt, they may be trying to run you down intentionally.

A true friend may not always tell you what you want to hear, but they won't try to shame you. A true friend speaks with respect.

Instead of providing support, toxic friends are all about gaslighting behaviours. They lie or misrepresent information to create confusion and stress. They do this intentionally to mess you up and mess with your head. For instance, they might make up a fake narrative to avoid responsibility for their actions, blame you for their shortcomings or mistakes, or create general chaos and stress in your life with no consideration for how their actions impact you. Meanwhile, a real friend takes responsibility for their actions and apologises, sincerely, if they cause distress or stress.


Best way to face toxic friends is by confronting/be honest about how they make you feel. If your toxic friend has no clue that they're radioactive, they might push back harder, get offended, become accusatory, or just totally miss the hint. The person could start a huge argument, and when that's the case, all you owe to that person is just be clear about what you're doing. You can be respectful, but you gotta be firm.

This will help you keep your emotions in check if it starts getting into a confrontation. When that happens, all you have to say is, “This discussion is upsetting to me. I've told you where I stand. I'm not going to be able to spend much time with you in the future. I am not going to be in touch."


You can't have a constructive conversation with this person, so the ordinary rules of engagement no longer apply. You just need to exit as gracefully as you can and just realise that's your answer.

 

Depression can magnify negative thoughts and feelings. On bad days, these can unintentionally become entangled in our friendships. This confuses communication, gets hard to navigate through the fog, and leaves us feeling helpless. Sometimes even unworthy of the friendships we’re seemingly ‘ruining’. You may find yourself questioning every exchange (or lack of), beating yourself up needlessly.

Depression makes it feel like: Your friend is seeing other friends. Without you. So they’ve forgotten all about you, left you to it and are probably conspiring about you right now.


Friendship rollercoasters are hard and isolating. Feeling like a burden is horrible. But if the tables were turned, would you just walk away? I think not.


Maybe addressing the issue with your friend didn’t make things better. Maybe you feel unsafe bringing up the issue with them. Or maybe you just need the relationship to take up less space, so you have more energy for other things. If this is the case, consider telling your friend that you’d like some distance, and keep these things in mind.

Do:
  • Set clear boundaries. Once you’ve made the decision to get some space from each other, be upfront with your friend about what you need. Can you still hang out in a larger group? Are texts okay? Should you unfollow their insta?

  • Lean on your other relationships. This is a good time to make and maintain your other friendships. It’ll remind you that there are plenty of people in your life who support and care for you.

  • Keep it polite. You, your friend, and the people around you will feel a lot less tense if you keep things civil. You don’t have to be their best bud, but a smile and a wave when you see them in the hallway lets them know that you don’t totally hate their guts.

  • Take care of yourself. Use the extra space and time to build yourself up and do the things that make you feel good, like exercising, eating healthy, or making art. Fighting with a friend can be really emotionally draining, so keep an eye on your needs.

Don’t:
  • Expect too much from them. Communicating your needs to your friend is really crucial, but you can’t ask for more than what they can give.

  • Feel guilty for wanting space. No one is entitled to your time or attention, including your friends. There’s nothing wrong with saying no and choosing not to engage in situations that make you uncomfortable.

  • Make it personal. Keep in mind that your friend isn’t necessarily a bad person, it’s just that their behaviour is impacting you negatively. You can work to avoid and adjust the behaviour without making them feel like they’re just a crummy human being.

  • Send mixed messages. If this is a choice you want to make, stick with it. For example, it’ll get really confusing if you tell them you want no contact, and then keep tagging them in memes all week. Be clear and consistent from the start.


If confrontation and temporarily taking some space aren’t enough, it’s possible the relationship has run its course. Lots of times we think of “breaking up” in the context of romantic relationships, but ending a friendship, while difficult, can also be really good for your mental health.

Do:
  • Know when to walk away. There are some relationships that aren’t worth trying to save. If your friend has repeatedly done things that hurt you, betray your trust, or just generally make you feel terrible, then you don’t have to stick around. You aren’t obligated to them no matter how long you’ve been friends or how good the friendship was before.

  • Have a one-on-one conversation. When ending your friendship, don’t just ghost them. Have a private conversation to let them know it’s over (and why). Only the two of you need to be there because the situation can feel escalated when there’s an audience.

  • Prepare yourself. Be ready for them to be upset (and as much as you may want this, be ready to feel upset yourself). Ending a friendship is really hard, both in the moment and moving forward. Have a plan for yourself (like planning to be with other friends afterwards) and for their response.

  • Stick to the facts. It’s helpful for your friend to let them know why you’ve made this decision, but don’t take it as an opportunity to bash them and make them feel worse than they probably already do. It’s the difference between, “You’ve changed and I hate the person you’ve become,” and “I feel like we’ve drifted apart these past few years, and I need space to grow on my own.”

Don’t:
  • Do it publicly. Once you’ve ended your friendship, don’t go subtweeting about it online or making a big show of it in public. Privacy will let you both heal and move on in the way that’s best for you, without fear of public judgement.

  • Be vengeful. Yes, you might have some not-so-great feelings lingering even after the friendship is over. There are better ways to get those feelings out (exercise, therapy, art, etc.) rather than being spiteful towards them.

  • Ask friends to take sides. It’s a tough situation for you and your friend, but it’s probably just as hard for the friends that you two share. Seeing your friends feuding is really upsetting, so don’t make it harder on them by asking them to choose between you. Not only is it unfair to them, you may find yourself upset with them too, if they don’t go the way you planned. But as that person who’s stuck in the middle, you have to be clear if you’re taking a certain sides or if you really don’t want to get involve. Don’t say one thing and act the other way.

  • Gossip about it. These situations are really, really complicated, and as much as you might want to rant and vent to someone about it, recognise when it’s unhelpful. It’s likely that it’ll get back to your former friend and open up the same kind of tension that you’re trying to avoid.

 

It was painful for me when a friend blurted out, “I know you have issues with depression, but everyone has problems too.”


When you feel low, you are already inclined to believe that you’re a burden, so it’s hard to have that suspicion confirmed.


To be clear, I don’t think my friends should be expected to give up their time to me endlessly, or that they should automatically understand what it’s like for me, or replace professional help. And I recognise that they may be struggling, too, and need my support.


"It’s absolutely OK to have boundaries, if delivered respectfully."

Don’t say ‘I’m here whenever you need’ if you can’t be. Manage expectations and don’t make promises you can’t keep.


If a friend tells you they are not okay, being there can be as simple as checking in via text once a week after the initial chat. Or really listening when your friend explains their needs, and helping them access the tools they need.

I’ve personally been told “I don’t have time for you, I’ll text you next week” after my emergency message of telling someone that I was having suicidal ideations. Mind you, this person even agreed to my psychiatrist on being my emergency contact at times of need.


Don’t say ‘I’m here whenever you need’ if you can’t be. Manage expectations and don’t make promises you can’t keep. It’s absolutely OK to have boundaries, if delivered respectfully.


We are all capable of deeper compassion and understanding. It may start with asking if a friend is OK, but it doesn’t need to end there.

 

It’s understandable that it can be very draining and hard to be there for people with mental issues. Here are some of the most basic tips for helping your friends with their mental health issues that you can adhere and practice.

  • Manage expectations: Be aware of what you can and can’t manage alone.

  • Ask the experts: There are a lot of experts around your local areas and even online available to guide and help you. Call their helpline or contact a local branch.

  • You don’t always have to DO something: Alternate talking with quick texts that simply check in or offer a nice thought. Try “Just making myself a cuppa/pouring a drink and I’m raising a glass to you. Much love”.

  • Take the pressure off yourself: You’re not the cause of, or cure for, a person’s struggles. This can be a helpful mantra you remember.

  • Don’t go it alone: People can feel guilty or resentful in scenarios like these, and it’s important to recognise that you don’t have to shoulder the responsibility alone.

 

I struggled emotionally, and I realised my friends reached out less and less, and then I realised that it was time to move on.


"It is important to strive for friendships that leave us feeling heard, respected, appreciated, safe, and loved."

There can be many reasons that a friendship becomes unhealthy. But any friendship that consistently contributes to our feeling disregarded, devalued, or disrespected should be re-evaluated.

Here are some possible signs that it may be time to move on:

  1. You’re not a priority. You may notice that your friend doesn’t make an effort to be with you. Maybe they’re hard to reach or don’t seem interested. Sometimes, there’s a temporary reason, like if your friend just got married and is busier than before. But if you rarely feel like a priority or if you sense that your friend doesn’t think you’re worth their time, it’s best to move on.

  2. You don’t connect at the same level. Friendships work best when both people want the same type of connection. If you want a deep personal connection but your friend can’t or doesn’t want the same thing, the friendship may become stagnant and unsatisfying.

  3. You give more than you take. At times, one person may need more than the other. But if a friend is constantly a taker and rarely a giver, it’s not a balanced friendship. If you’re always there for them but they don’t do the same for you, it may be a sign to move on.

  4. Your friend is disrespectful or mean. Healthy friendships offer support and affirmation. If your friend doesn’t respect your feelings, it’s an unhealthy relationship. Feeling anxious or negative in your friendship is a sign that it may be best to end it.

  5. Your friend is dishonest or holds back information. Deep connections require trust. And trust requires honesty. If you can’t rely on your friend to be open or tell the truth, your relationship won’t thrive and may become a source of frustration.

  6. You downplay your accomplishments. Some friendships are competitive. But if you hold back from sharing good news to avoid hurting your friend’s feelings, it’s a sign of jealousy. Good friends want you to succeed and are happy for you when you do.

  7. They only call or ask to hang out when they need something. When a friend only reaches out because they need something—maybe they need to borrow something or maybe they need someone to vent to—then this is a big sign that the friendship is one-sided and can leave you feeling exhausted, drained, and irritable. Furthermore, you might notice that your efforts are not returned, and these friends may be less available when you are in need. In healthy friendships, there is a sense of emotional reciprocity that includes checking in on each other's emotional well-being, sometimes just to say "hello.

  8. They disrespect you or violate your boundaries. This is a huge red flag that it is time to end a friendship. Our boundaries are what keep us safe, and they are what help to sustain our emotional and mental health. Boundaries can be physical, mental, and emotional. An unhealthy friend may violate those boundaries by putting you down, betraying your trust, talking negatively about you to others, or being dishonest. They lack accountability and make excuses for their behaviours, often saying "that's just how I am" or blaming you for being "too sensitive." We also end up betraying ourselves by having a friend who continuously violates our boundaries. This can lead us to question our sense of self and cause resentment and frustration—the opposite of what a healthy friendship should do for you.


Ultimately, how you feel within the friendship is a big indicator that it is time to end the friendship. It's important to listen to how we feel and to end relationships that are not positively contributing to our personal growth and mental health. It is important to strive for friendships that leave us feeling heard, respected, appreciated, safe, and loved. There is nothing wrong with ending friendships. This is a healthy part of sending boundaries and practicing self-care.

You have a few options if it’s time to end a friendship.


Let it go. Some friendships dissolve on their own. They just kind of faded out over time.

If you try to make plans but your friend keeps flaking out, you might find that the friendship fades when you stop trying.

Talk about it. It’s often best to have a conversation about why you’re ending things so both people feel respected and can move on with an understanding of why it didn’t work out.


If you had a fight, it may be tempting to leave it at that. But having one last conversation may be a better choice, even if it’s hard to talk about what happened or why the friendship isn’t working for you anymore.


No matter how you end a friendship, try to be respectful of the other person’s feelings, especially if your breakup is one-sided. You can be respectful while being honest and firm. Tell your friend why you’re stepping away, but pay attention to how you deliver the news. Be kind and mature, especially if your friend didn’t see it coming and feels hurt or confused by your decision.

 

Not all friend breakups are permanent. Sometimes, friends find their way back to each other in a different season of their lives. As you grow, you may change, reconnect, and form a healthier relationship later in life. The important thing is to remain committed to finding and keeping friendships that are healthy.

Friendships aren't without conflict and miscommunication, though. This is normal in friendships and, when resolved in a conscious and healthy way, can be corrective experiences and can even enhance the relationship. However, there comes a time in our lives when friendships (yes, including childhood ones) end up draining us more than they nurture us, cause us significant stress, and have a negative impact on our mental health. With those friendships, it is OK to set boundaries and even OK to call it quits. Staying friends with someone only because there is history or because you feel guilty for leaving them is a recipe for burnout and resentment.

 
"I was never trying to hurt you. I was trying not to hurt myself."

To the friend I lost because of my mental illness, I don’t know whether or not to be sorry. I know deep down that it’s not my fault, but it sure feels like it. Because it’s my brain.


What did I learn from you? It was a tough lesson. There are people out there who think it’s trendy to support people with mental illness. I saw your smiling Instagram pictures at awareness walks and tweets of hotline numbers when a celebrity’s mental illness is in the news. And talking about it is great. But all of that support on the outside tricked me into believing that you really cared about me on the inside.


You taught me some people run when things get messy. I understand how it can be scary when people like me experience depression, anxiety or panic. Maybe you were afraid I was dangerous, or that I’d pull you into the dark. Maybe you thought you’d “catch” what I had. I don’t know. People are allowed to think whatever they want, and I understand I can’t control that.

Looking back, I see the flashing lights, the red flags, the danger signs. I wish I had seen them then. You made me feel unlovable, made me feel like I’m “too much.” I’m afraid to ever open up to anyone again. How could I, when the last time I did ended with me trying to convince my remaining friends I was never trying to be “dramatic” or “manipulative”? I was never trying to hurt you. I was trying not to hurt myself.

 

Friends don’t take a vow. The nature of certain friendships are fleeting. After all, friends don’t have the same commitment to us as spouses do. When the companionship is no longer enjoyable, there isn’t a vow to ensure they aren’t going anywhere. Symptoms of depression and anxiety are difficult for some people to tolerate. We are sensitive, imaginative, energetic, playful, and fun. But we can also be irritable, moody, impulsive, and sad. Not everyone appreciates a colorful personality. As much as the rejection stings, we shouldn’t interpret their response as an indictment of who we are, but rather as a preference for a relationship that is more neutral or bland.


All illness is uncomfortable. I know how difficult it is to sustain friendships while in a depressive episode. When my pain reached a certain point, I tend to avoid the people I should lean on for support. Isolation is a hallmark symptom of depression due to a combination of apathy, fatigue, and an inability to keep a conversation light. It’s difficult for a person with severe depression to master a poker face and chit chat comfortably in a social setting. They are afraid to be real and risk further alienation from friends so they do the safe thing and stay home. While logical, this behaviour interrupts friendships even more and breeds deeper isolation.


One way to get around the sadness of lost friendships is to focus on the good memories and realise that letting go is what’s best. Focusing on those who remain in my life throughout the rainstorms remind me that I’m not hopeless or broken; they’re proof that I’m not at fault for losing friendships.


Any relationship with someone who is ill demands patience, understanding, and a commitment. I’m learning that not everyone can tolerate the messiness that is involved with, depression, or another chronic condition like cancer. Usually it’s the folks who have been down the path of illness themselves that pick up the phone or send an email.

I suppose there is a season for everything. With depression, the seasons seem awfully short.

We need to do our part – to show up and make the effort. But if a friendship is not meant to be, all we can do is let go gracefully and celebrate any good that came with it.


Feeling pressured to make friends with people who don’t have much interest in your needs won’t do you any good. Forced casual friendships can provide some social contact in the form of an occasional lunch or coffee break, but they don’t offer much else. And often, they can just leave you feeling drained and slightly annoyed.


The best friend ideal is pretty common: A rock-solid relationship with a trusted companion you’ve known for years, who understands everything about you and never lets you down. Some people do have this type of relationship, but it’s not quite as typical as you might assume. Realistically speaking, it’s pretty unlikely for one person to meet all of your friendship needs, just as it’s not possible for romantic partners to meet each other’s needs all the time.


"If you aren’t able to handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve to be there when I’m at my best."

Truth is after all these years the only thing I can do is say thank you. I thank you for being a part of my life for the time that you were there, and I thank you for leaving and making me a stronger person. Yes, it is one of the hardest parts of living with a mental illness, constantly seeing people walk out of your life, but at the same time it gives you a chance to reevaluate your relationships. If you aren’t able to handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve to be there when I’m at my best.


I want you to know mental illness is real. Brains are beautiful organs responsible for so many important tasks, but just like any other organ in the body, they can get sick. The thing about when your mind becomes sick is that it can take years before it manifests into something noticeable. When it finally makes its presence known, you might be able to minimise the pain for a while without anybody noticing, but after suppressing it for so long, it comes at you like a boomerang. To the people around you, it can seem like a sudden change, a complete 360 in a short amount of time. But, really it has been there all along, slowly stabbing the dagger deeper and deeper.


What I do know is how hard it is to not have the people in your life that were once your best friends. What I do know is that my mental illness does not define me. What I do know is that I will not invalidate myself because of my mental illness or beat myself up because of lost friendships. I will champion the little accomplishments I make every day. I will continue the practice of self-care. I will seek help when I need it. I won’t let the stigma of mental illness win.


Many times, someone with mental illness is described as unreliable or a “bad friend” because they might cancel plans more often than others. What you might not understand is the tremendous amount of energy it often takes just to get through a normal day. Then add on top of that the effort to “go have fun” and that pressure can be too mentally exhausting. Set aside your judgement and don’t give up on your friends. They are fighting a battle you will never fully understand.


"No friendship is worth compromising your mental health or well-being."

Good relationships can create a positive impact like nothing else. That being the case, we need to focus on healthy relationships. If you have a friend with a mental illness then you know that the struggle has the potential to cause pain between you. This pain can cause the symptoms of the illness to become worse rather than better. But the friendship also has the opportunity to support positive change and transformation. It goes a long way to have the right tools in our toolbox.


Most people need an outlet to vent about the challenges they are dealing with in life and knowing you have someone you can turn to in times of trouble can be comforting. But sometimes one person does all the comforting while the other person does all the venting.


If you find that you are always the shoulder to cry on, it could get a little overwhelming. Even though helping those closest to you navigate difficult breakups, challenging work situations, or issues with family can be rewarding, if it happens all the time or if your friend doesn't reciprocate by being there for you, it can quickly weigh you down mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically.


While displaying empathy and compassion for others is not a bad thing, shouldering another person's problems and absorbing their stress (while getting nothing in return) will eventually wear you out.


Having empathy and compassion are incredible gifts and skills to have, but sometimes they can lead people to take advantage of your kindness and generosity. If that happens to you on a consistent basis, it can be particularly draining — especially if you are a highly sensitive person.


No friendship is worth compromising your mental health or well-being.

People need understanding and to know that you are there for them. That understanding can take many forms — it can mean a hug, an offer to grab coffee or lunch, calling or texting to check-in, and supporting your friend with care and concern.


"The point is, friendship is a two-way concept, don’t give up on your friend just because they’re having a bad time or undergoing mental illness."

It does not mean solving their problems for them, playing therapist, dropping everything for them, or taking over things they should do for themselves.


If your friend repeatedly comes to you for advice, has anxiety issues, or is showing signs of depression, suggest that they talk to their doctor or mental health professional.


Not all friendships last forever and that is OK. If you have come to a point in this friendship where you feel like you are being taken advantage of, and you are putting in more than you're getting out, it may be time to distance yourself from that friend. This decision may be especially true if your friend has toxic qualities or is an unsafe person for you to be around.

The point is, friendship is a two-way concept, don’t give up on your friend just because they’re having a bad time or undergoing mental illness. You wouldn’t like it if people leave you at your worst either.

"They only admire you for as long as it doesn’t inconvenience them."

There is such a stigma against mental illness. It has gotten better over the years but it is nowhere, where it should be. Nowadays, it’s more acceptable to come out and tell people that you have depression or anxiety and for the most part people are pretty understandable.


They might talk to you about it, even ask a few questions and then tell you, you are so brave for speaking about it. The courage you have to be able to tell your story is insurmountable. They appreciate you speaking about it when no one else will. But really, they only admire you for as long as it doesn’t inconvenience them.

There are only a few people in this world that understands your condition. They understand you and would never judge you. Where you can make plans with them and back out of by telling them you’re having a bad day. And by 'bad day', that means your depression is bad and you’re struggling to get out of bed, your anxiety is running rampant and you can’t be out in a social setting because it will trigger a panic attack.

I might have had a couple of bad days, I might have woken up feeling off, but I spend hours trying to figure out if I can go through with going out that day and if I can’t, what I can do. Soon, the invites are fewer, the messages are scarce and suddenly those people you thought were understanding and your good friends are nowhere to be found and it’s all your fault. After all, you’re the one who couldn’t make time for them.

Here’s the thing, I didn’t ask to be like this, nobody did. I didn’t ask for that crushing weight of despair to come and settle on my chest, for absolutely no reason. I didn’t ask for the anxiety to wash over me, making my skin so tight and itchy, leaving me with deep gouges in my skin from trying to scratch it off.


I didn’t ask for it, none of us did, we sit here and suffer and it sucks. We lose friends and opportunities at something we love because people don’t understand just how hard it is to do something when your mind is screaming that you can’t do it, that you’re worthless and useless and you just can’t.


So sometimes I lie. I lie about what’s really wrong with me because I’m tired of being told that I’m an awful friend, I’m tired of people telling me that I couldn’t possibly want something bad enough if I can’t give it my absolute all, one hundred percent of the time. I’m tired of people thinking that laying on the guilt would somehow make me feel better, or pull me out of it. It’s damaging and more hurtful and sets me back even further. But if I can’t make people understand having a mental illness, what hope is there to understand how much their toxic behaviour is affecting me.

But mental ill health can be frightening for those who do not understand it, and sometimes friendships can be lost when one person experiences a mental health condition. Some people may find it hard to cope with symptoms of a friend’s illness and, as such, cut ties or back away. Friendships can be a minefield when friends don’t understand the illness.


Empathy can fill in the blanks when someone doesn’t understand what their friend is experiencing. Loss of friendship was like a cheery on top of my depression and suicidal thoughts. The pain only got amplified when I saw my other best friends bond after we drifted apart. The betrayal of trust still haunts me.


Not only voicing your needs is important but also understanding that leaving someone behind doesn’t mean that you hate them or they don’t want to get better. One does really love one’s friends. But sometimes, the relationship loosens and certain dynamics change. Therefore, it is important to focus on appreciating your efforts and cherishing the great memories shared together.


The fact that even though certain friendships or relationships caused pain and had a bad or abrupt ending, it is important to get closure. Letting go of the emotions that hold you back and cause more pain. Ultimately, this gives one more strength to move forward optimistically.

Sometimes accepting people and their actions the way they are, makes the individual feel more at peace. This not only gives space but also a better understanding of mental boundaries that need to be created to not let the distance or breakup impact you negatively.


It is important to realise that when your close friends disconnect from you due to you having mental difficulties, it is not completely their fault. Being with a friend suffering from any kind of mental health concerns can make some uncomfortable and it is important to understand, empathise and letting go might make one uncomfortable too. Plus, if we try to look at the brighter side just the way we can lose friends because of depression, we can form new friendships and relationships while finding our voices.


I lost all my friends because of my mental health. Individuals who suffer from any form of mental health condition find it difficult to socialise with people and keep their friendships steady and happy.

Meeting new people and developing friendships with people is one of the most valuable and important parts of our lives. It means a lot to have friends that are honest, true to themselves, and have the best intentions in their hearts for us. Friends are like the second family and they form the major crux of our interpersonal relationships.


Friendships are transitory and some friendships fade away faster than others. Some are short-lived deliberately and some of them last forever. It depends on the people involved and their perspectives. You are an active partner in your friendships and it is important to differentiate between good and bad friendships.


You should muster the courage to end those friendships that are detrimental to your mental health and you also have the power to negotiate and bring about changes in your friendships, according to the needs.


In case one of your friends no longer responds to your calls or messages, it is normal to feel rejected and hurt. However, you have choices that can be made in such situations. You can either communicate with your friend and sort out any kind of underlying issues or you may respectfully walk away from the friendship. You will surely find people who are ready to invest their time and energy in you, as life goes on.


If you have a friend who is struggling with their mental health, try your best to be empathetic and understand what exactly they are going through and make them behave in certain ways. Listen to them wholeheartedly and see things from their perspective before you come to conclusions or judge them harshly.


Speaking up boldly and advocating for your rights is very important during times of struggle. It helps for your personal recovery and to confide in yourself, every time you falter or lose support from other sources. If a friend says or does something that hurts you, speak up kindly and let them now that you are hurt and need to be validated for the same.


Gradually and consciously learn to let go people and situations that does not serve you or understand you in any manner. Wish them well and move away from them. Find closure in anyway you can and identify the factors that were holding you back from enjoying life as it is.


Losing a friend is painful and mentally challenging for the person who has to endure the loss. It is as heartbreaking as losing a romantic partner and mostly, takes more time to heal than a romantic relationship breakup.

Here are some ways you could consider coping with the loss of a friend. The first and foremost step is acknowledgment. It is very important to completely go through the grieving period for an acknowledgment to manifest. When you go through the grieving period, without ignoring your hurt feelings, it helps you to mentally unburden your emotional baggage and move forward towards acceptance and acknowledgments of the situation.

Understand and practice the value of self-care in abundance. Give yourself enough compassion, time, and intrinsic strength to heal and learn to be there for yourself in times of crisis. Give priority to your needs and observe how you respond to situations and people.

Try to keep away from rumination and dwelling at all costs. Focus on the present moment and be aware of all times when you get lost in a loop of thoughts. Avoid interacting with a lot of people at the same time and try to talk about your problems with one person whom you genuinely trust and feels comfortable with. Let out your feelings and concerns to that one person.

You can try joining support groups or clubs which include people who have gone through something similar and share your experiences and thoughts with them. This will help you feel heard, accepted, and will help you in healing from your wounds, slowly. Seek professional help from a therapist or a counsellor, if required.


"Friends who don't stick with you aren't good friends, even if they are good people."

Show up for your good friends in times of need. Be there for them when they need you and make only those promises that you can keep. Understand that we are all humans with flaws and accept your friends for who they are without judging or intending to sideline them. Try to be as empathetic as possible and be willing to put yourself in your friend’s place and do not make attempts to force your friends to accept your viewpoints and perspectives in all matters.


I found throughout adulthood that the normal way of things, people moving in out of one’s life because of marriages, careers, commitments and other adventures. You’d think friends would draw closer at times like those. Many drift away instead.


In life, everyone loses and gains friendships and relationships; it’s inevitable.


Sometimes relationships don’t work out though and two people part ways or aren’t as close as they once were. When I lose a friendship I really care about, my loved ones always lift me back up.


When I’m feeling guilty about how a friendship ended, my loved ones are always there to validate that I’m a good friend and recognise that I genuinely care about people.


Sometimes “You’re better off without them” can feel redundant and simple, but it’s helped me realise that when conflicts outweigh the positives, both people are better off saying their goodbyes.


Though painful and disappointing, sometimes letting go is what’s best.

Focusing on those who remain in my life throughout the rainstorms remind me that I’m not hopeless or broken; they’re proof that I’m not at fault for losing friendships.

Friends are supposed to be there for you when times are rough, and you do the same for them. If they couldn't accept that you were going through a tough time and needed support than you deserve better. Friends who don't stick with you aren't good friends, even if they are good people.


If they leave, knowing i'm suffering, that's a thing they choose. Don't think that it's your fault.


Real friends will not leave you. You must know that. Sure, every once in a while everyone can be self-centered, but if it was really your fault, and you pushed them away, you should try to say sorry and mean it. But if it is not your fault, and they just left because you were a "problem" they needed to handle because you felt bad and you were in a bad part of your life, then they were not your friends and you should be fine that they left.


"Depression may or may not be visible, but it is always cruel."

I have had people leave me for many reasons. Sometimes it is me. Sometimes it is just life happening. Sometimes it is them. But I noticed and learned two things:


  1. Rarely will you find people who will love you unconditionally and

  2. You must love yourself unconditionally and you need to depend on yourself first, not on others.

Count on yourself. Be helpful to others. Don't think you are a bad person and that you pushed everyone. Sometimes people are just behaving badly themselves.


Mental illness makes it difficult to do most things including maintaining friendships. But I think being self focused is a good thing right now, because you need to take care of you. Please be kind to yourself. You're not alone.


Depression is a thief. It'll rob you of your time, your thoughts, and your sense of self. But before all of that, it'll take your friends. Depression may or may not be visible, but it is always cruel.


Sooner or later, depression-free friends stop staying in touch with us. It's far easier to unfriend us than checking in routinely and having mental health conversations.


Learn to be okay with friends walking away. Friends who leave are not bad people by default because depression is a challenging condition. Of course, if a friend lacks empathy or abandons you in your time of need, blame them for failing you. But whatever you do, don't blame yourself. Go to therapy regularly, especially if you are prone to suicidal ideation and self-harm. Ensure you are not lonely and give yourself some credit. After all, you are doing your best to survive with an insidious mood disorder.

If friends and family are unsupportive — blaming you for the symptoms of your illness or making thoughtless remarks — it can make you feel really discouraged.

Recognise not everyone understands. Acknowledge that there may be a reason behind their feelings that has nothing to do with you. There are lots of reasons that a person may not be able to understand a condition like depression. Their behaviour towards you may be deeply ingrained and automatic and have nothing to do with you as a person.


Perhaps they grew up in an environment where they were taught that it was unacceptable to show vulnerability. Or perhaps their thoughts are influenced by the persistent and problematic stigma surrounding mental illness.

Don't let mental health stigma prevent you from getting the help and support that you need. Talk to your doctor if you have symptoms of depression.


Perhaps one of the best ways to find the support you need is to start with yourself. Be your own greatest supporter. Practice being kind and gentle with yourself, and keep your self-talk positive. In other words, pay attention to that inner voice and what it's saying about you.


For instance, if your self talk is particularly negative, you may be creating more stress and anxiety for yourself. Try to keep these ongoing monologues positive—even if that means repeating positive mantras every day until it becomes a habit.


Remember, negativity only feeds your depression.


If you find yourself getting trapped in a negative thought cycle, repeating negative things about yourself, or ruminating over things that have gone wrong, look for ways to turn those thoughts around or interrupt the cycle. Finding ways to distract yourself can help, as well.


You also can treat yourself well by looking for opportunities for self-care, such as doing things that improve your mood or caring for your body.


You are not attention-seeking when you ask for help. You are simply trying to find the best way to hang on until you can get well. No matter what someone else says to you, don't lose sight of these facts. It takes a great deal of courage to ask for help. So, keep asking until you find the right person.


Accept that some people may be sympathetic to your situation, but are simply unable to actively support you. A prime example of this situation would be a friend who is dealing with their own depression and simply isn't able to give anything else to other people.


People might not be able to offer their support when they are struggling to cope with their own problems or feelings. It's not that they don't care about you; they just don't have the internal resources at this time to do more than take care of themselves.


Remind yourself of this fact when people disappoint you or are unable to be there for you. Most of the time, their lack of availability or concern has more to do with them than it does with you.


When close friends and family can't offer you what you need, it can be helpful to seek out people who can. Depression support groups, either in person or online, can be a great place to look.

Although people in support groups may start out as strangers to you, fast friendships are often formed because you share the common experience of depression. After all, there is nothing more refreshing than talking with someone who gets what you're going through.


Don't hesitate to seek help outside of your family and friends. Sometimes, it's easier to share your struggles with a stranger — especially if they have been through the same things — because there is less concern about being judged or criticised.

Don't be afraid to ask for what you really need. There may be some cases where people would be perfectly willing to support and assist you if they realised what you needed.


Cut negative people out of your life or find ways to mitigate the damage. There are going to be some people who, no matter what you do, are mean-spirited and hurtful. If you can, remove them from your life. If you can't end the relationship, find ways to either limit your contact with them or bolster yourself against their insensitive treatment.


Remember, there is nothing wrong with minimising contact with people who have a negative impact on your well-being, or completely cutting truly toxic people out of your life.


Do not turn your back on those who suffer from mental illness. There are more than you know, and the isolation of it is devastating. Find a way to love them through it if you can. And if you fear you see symptoms in yourself, do seek treatment. Mental illness doesn't deserve your shame. It deserves your care.

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