Overcoming guilt is possible, even if it’s been lingering for a while.
This article is an extension to my previous posts on “Mental Illness, Not An Excuse For Bad Behaviours.” and “Setting Boundaries”. How do we cope with the guilt that is often attached to living with mental illness?
Forgive yourself.
Let it go.
Forget about it.
Move on.
It’s easier said than done! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in self-destructive behaviour/self-sabotage, or cutting corners at work. And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
To aid your reading process, a lot of the examples given below will be in relation/with reference to living with depression. But please keep in mind that guilt can also be associated with other mental health conditions such as anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and personality disorders to name a few.
These may sound familiar to you,
“People have it worse.”
“My family has been through way more, and they’re fine.”
“I don’t have anything to be depressed about.”
“I should just suck it up.”
These are just some of the messages we get and repeat to ourselves about depression. But the concept that you must have specific events or triggering factors happening to you, or that you have be submerged and engulfed by negativity in your life to experience depression is just not true. Depression affects people from all walks of life and backgrounds.
While things like discrimination, poverty, violence, and abuse can make a person more likely to experience depression, there is no checklist to determine who has a “right” to experience depression or who is deserving of help and support.
Guilt is a normal feeling associated with depression. It’s easy to spiral because you’re focused on guilt. You feel guilty for having depression (for burdening others or not being “complete”), which makes you feel worse. Then because you feel like a burden, you feel guiltier.
"Whatever the source of your feelings, facing them will be an essential part of your recovery journey."
Feeling guilty for being depressed is not uncommon. It is not your fault that you are having this experience. Most people — and anyone who has experienced depression — will understand that no one would choose this or just decide it’s better to be depressed. It’s understandable, given the way most of us have been taught to think about mental health, that you might have this reaction. But know that you are not at fault, have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of, and deserve support and recovery.
Mental health disorders and guilt often exist together and can form an unfortunate vicious cycle. You may feel guilty over failing to do something or take care of someone. Maybe you can’t seem to forget a past conflict that wasn’t managed well. You may even feel guilty or full of shame for simply being mentally unwell. Whatever the source of your feelings, facing them will be an essential part of your recovery journey.
In the past few years, mental health awareness has improved, yet, there are still misconceptions. Depression is often stigmatised like it is some sort of controllable feeling without cause. Suffering from depression can feel like a moral failing or a weakness of character.
Like other illnesses, depression does not discriminate and can impact anyone. Clinical depression has a biological component. Outside circumstances (like a break-up or losing a job), a trauma or super-stressful situation can exasperate depression. But other factors such as genetic vulnerability, chemical imbalances, and the brain's neurons also play a role. Guilt itself can be a symptom of clinical depression.
Guilt is a feeling of hopelessness about life, yourself, and circumstances. When you are depressed, you feel bad. And then you may compound the feeling by feeling bad or guilty about feeling bad.
"Loved ones may mistakenly believe a person is doing well when they are not. Outsiders have no idea how bad a person feels on the inside."
Depression sufferers may already feel that they aren’t “worthy” of feeling as bad as they do. They can wind up suffering on top of their suffering, instead of seeking treatment. The idea that depression is self-controlled and not a biological illness can be dangerous. A person with depression may think, “If I already have everything and still feel this bad, then my situation is hopeless and I'll never feel better.”
Depression has various levels. Some people suffering from depression may not be able to get out of bed, while others are “functionally depressed.” Loved ones may mistakenly believe a person is doing well when they are not. Outsiders have no idea how bad a person feels on the inside. They may be going to work, taking care of their kids, but still suffering internally. Having support from friends, family, and colleagues is vital for patients suffering from depression. But sometimes well-meaning loved ones can add to a patient’s feelings of guilt.
As a way of helping, a loved one may list off all of the good things the person has in their life. They think that by pointing these blessings out, the person who is depressed will feel better. But this approach backfires. A list like this illustrates that they don’t have any reason to be depressed, but it doesn't change the fact that they are suffering. It just makes them feel ungrateful, unappreciative and guilty. They probably already know all of the good things they have in their life and hearing them listed makes them feel worse.
Guilt can make it hard for loved ones to admit their feelings. A child may worry they will hurt their parents if they tell them they are depressed or that their parents will feel inadequate. The same is true for spouses. A person suffering from depression may feel guilty that their illness is causing them to be a burden to their loved ones. They may blame themselves for not improving quicker or worry that their illness is an inconvenience on the people that care about them.
Sometimes people play the blame game because it makes them feel empowered. They lean into ignorance and fear, saying, 'This person is weaker than me. Therefore since I am strong, this can't happen to me.’ It’s their way of protecting themselves, but their thinking is faulty and hurtful. Depression isn’t a right; it’s an illness and it can impact anyone. We have to be cognisant that depression impacts people from every gender, religion, race, and socio-economic background. Men have an overwhelmingly higher rate of completed suicides even though depression is diagnosed in half as many men compared to women. We need to de-stigmatise mental illness and have real, honest conversations about mental health issues.
As discussed, guilt can be a common symptom of depression. Guilt can hurt your self-esteem and cause self-doubt. It can make it harder for the patient to see themselves in a positive light and make them feel unworthy of seeking help. Rather than pretending that guilt isn’t a factor, acknowledge it.
"Sometimes people play the blame game because it makes them feel empowered."
By labelling the feeling and being that it is part of the depression, the person may be able to reduce the feeling of guilt. Talk Therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help to combat and reframe feelings of guilt in people suffering from depression. It can be hard to be around someone who is depressed, but people that are depressed need a support system. Avoid speaking in platitudes. Although it's well-meaning, saying "Cheer up" or "Focus on the positives" minimises a person's real suffering. Instead, try emotionally connecting with the person. Simply saying "I am sorry you aren't feeling like yourself," “I know this is really hard,” or “Let’s go for a walk. We don’t need to talk,” can be really helpful.
The experience of mental illness in a person’s life, either as a person experiencing mental illness or as a family member or loved one, can have a profound impact on people’s emotions. Mental illness, often being episodic and unpredictable, evokes the full range of emotional responses, including anger, grief, embarrassment, shame and despair. A powerful strong emotion that is often presented is guilt.
Guilt can emerge in all sorts of ways and can cause unnecessary anxiety and worry and can be counterproductive to the situation outcome you are trying to achieve. It can be useful to assess the role and impact of guilt on your life.
Always remember: Mental illness is an illness. It can happen to anyone. But feelings are not always rational and guilt is a powerful emotion that needs to be dealt with.
What is guilt?
• Feeling of responsibility for negative circumstances that have happened to yourself or others
• Feeling of regret for your real or imagined misdeeds, both past and present
• Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings, or attitudes that were or are negative, uncomplimentary, or non-accepting concerning yourself or others
• Feeling of obligation for not pleasing, not helping, or not placating another
• Feeling of bewilderment and lack of balance for not responding to a situation in your typical or, stereotypical manner
• Feeling of loss and shame for not having done or said something to someone who is no longer available to you
• Accepting of responsibility for someone else’s misfortune or problem because it bothers you to see that person suffer
• Motivation to amend all real or perceived wrongs
• Strong moral sense of right and wrong that inhibits you from choosing a ‘wrong’ course of action; however, you assign your own definitions to the words
• Driving force or mask behind which irrational beliefs hide
Guilt is an emotional discomfort you feel when you believe that you were responsible for something that offended or hurt someone else.
Guilt can be legitimate – you may have made a mistake and you regret your words or actions, causing you to feel guilty. However, there are times when guilty feelings are unwarranted – you may have taken on guilt for something you didn’t do or something you did that wasn’t actually wrong.
Guilt is a sense of regret or responsibility for thoughts, words, or actions. It can happen when you perceive you’ve harmed someone, think you’ve made a mistake, or have gone against your personal moral code of conduct.
But you can also feel guilty for situations that you believe were your fault or even incidents that were not your fault at all. People can also use guilt-provoking tactics to manipulate someone into doing things they’d rather not do. Whether it’s misplaced guilt, appropriate guilt, or guilt brought on by others, there are effective ways to deal with and overcome it — even if you’ve carried it for a while.
Guilt is an emotion that relates to a person’s sense of right and wrong. Most people experience guilt after making a mistake or doing something they regret
The effects of guilt are often uncomfortable. They might include sadness, sorrow, or physical discomfort. It’s not uncommon for people to be angry or frustrated with themselves. But these effects can guide people toward change.
People who have strong feelings of guilt may find themselves stuck on these feelings. Chronic or excessive guilt can be hard to overcome. If feelings of guilt have a negative effect on your life, and you are struggling to work through them alone, a compassionate counsellor can offer help and support.
A therapist or counsellor can help examine and sort through guilty feelings, uncover any guilt that is out of proportion to the mistake, and help the person address the guilt in a productive way. It’s also possible, in therapy, to explore ways to fix a mistake or wrong and work on preventing it in the future.
Guilt is an emotion, so rather than thinking of it as something good or something bad, it may be more helpful to consider its effects. Because guilt relates to a person’s moral code, guilt can act as a sort of check that helps someone recognise the effects of choices they’ve made. If the choice had a negative impact, they might feel regret and decide to do better in the future.
Consider a person who runs a red light. If nothing happens, they most likely feel relieved. “No one was there, and I didn’t get a ticket,” a person might think. But then they might think about other possibilities. “What if I hit another car? What if someone was crossing the street and I couldn’t stop in time?” They may begin to feel bad when considering other things that could have happened and tell themselves they’ll be more careful in the future.
In this way, guilt is linked to empathy and a feeling of responsibility for how actions affect others. Guilt isn’t always helpful, though. When guilt results from a person’s belief that they should do more or be better at something, rather than a mistake they made, it can cause distress.
For example, a busy parent may feel guilty when they pick up takeouts or pizza for dinner, leave housework undone, or speak sharply to their child when stressed. They may believe a “good” parent should be able to take care of the cooking and cleaning and never snap at their children. Even if they know it isn’t possible for them to take care of everything around the house all the time, they still might feel guilt, since their reality conflicts with their ideal of a good parent. When this kind of guilt isn’t addressed, it can have a negative impact on life.
Sometimes guilt can become so strong it makes it difficult for a person to get through each day. They may struggle to connect with their loved ones, maintain a relationship, or stay focused at work or school. Over time, they may also have feelings of anxiety and depression, or struggle to recognise their own self-worth. People try to cope with guilt by rationalising their actions or telling themselves the behaviour didn’t really matter. This can help ease guilty feelings temporarily. But if guilt isn’t addressed, it’s unlikely to go away for good.
The first important step is to determine whether the self-criticism you’re feeling is shame, false guilt, or true guilt. Although they can overlap and be defined in different ways, one way to think of the difference is that shame is a general feeling of unworthiness, and guilt is a feeling of remorse for specific behaviour.
Shame and guilt are two self-conscious emotions that everyone will feel several times throughout their lives. These are generally negative emotions that make people feel bad about themselves and can have negative consequences. That said, shame and guilt are important emotional components of leading a prosocial life.
Both guilt and shame are negative affective states that occur in response to a transgression or shortcoming, and both are self-conscious emotions, meaning that self-reflection is critical to their occurrence. This explains why they are often conflated, a problem that is not helped by the fact that one can, of course, feel shame and guilt at the same time.
One useful, generally-accepted framework distinguishes the two by saying that “[s]hame is about the self” while “guilt is about things in the real world—acts or failures to act, events for which one bears responsibility”.
That is someone who feels guilty regret some behaviour they exhibited, while someone who feels shame regrets some aspect of who they are as a person. This is sometimes called the “self-behaviour distinction”. Following this logic, it is much easier to alleviate feelings of guilt than of shame, as making up for bad behaviour is easier than fundamentally changing oneself.
When someone feels bad about who they are as a person because they have mistreated someone, they are experiencing shame. When someone feels bad about the behaviour they exhibited, on the other hand, they are experiencing guilt.
Early conceptualisations of shame and guilt claimed that shame was a public experience (caused by the reactions of others) while guilt was a private experience (caused by internal conflict about morality).
Some conceptions of shame and guilt consider them to be “self-blaming” emotions, and claim that emotions like this are crucial for the development and maintenance of interpersonal relationships because they act as important social regulators by encouraging a balance between the individual’s urges and the rights and needs of others.
This is an important point to make, as it underscores the value of feeling shameful and guilty. In cases where a real wrong has been committed, feelings of shame and guilt are the first step towards repairing the damage one has done.
Ultimately, shame and guilt are both social emotions which are meant to keep people from acting in pure self-interest.
In general, guilt and shame are both a response to having wronged someone. The difference is that guilt appears to push people to act in a more moral way to assuage their guilt, while shame appears to simply make someone feel bad about themselves (although, in some situations, shame may also push people to act in a more moral way). Although shame and guilt are experienced in different ways psychologically, they are also expressed in different ways behaviourally.
Shame
Often shame is related to who we think we are, and guilt is what we think we’ve done. Sometimes feelings of shame arise from things we can’t control, like aspects of our physical appearance or who our parents are. Guilt tends to be a moral judgment based on things we think we should have done differently.
If what you’re feeling is shame, addressing it is likely to be multifaceted, but some simple practices can help you begin the process of seeing yourself in a different light. Simply writing out affirmations like “I’m attractive” or “I’m not my father” can be surprisingly effective at changing your mindset if done consistently.
True guilt or false guilt?
If what you’re feeling is guilt, the next step is to determine whether it’s appropriate or inappropriate. Sometimes these are called true and false guilt. If what you’re feeling is true guilt, you can pinpoint the action or actions that caused harm, accept that you were responsible, and make a plan to change future behaviour and make amends. False guilt may be related to trying to meet unreasonable expectations.
Guilt is an emotional state where we experience conflict at having done something that we believe we should not have done (or conversely, having not done something we believe we should have done). This can give rise to a feeling state which does not go away easily and can be difficult to endure.
If you are experiencing feelings of guilt you are likely to be focussing on something that you have done that is embarrassing, harmful to another person, or some other behaviour which has contributed to negative consequences for you or someone else. Sometimes this feeling of guilt can become so big that you may feel overwhelmed and do not have a way to manage the intensity of your feelings.
It’s amazing how quickly guilt can kick in for the smallest, most meaningless things in our lives. Guilt is an emotional warning sign that most people learn through their normal childhood social development. Its purpose is to let us know when we’ve done something wrong, to help us develop a better sense of our behaviour and how it affects ourselves and others. It prompts us to re-examine our behaviour so that we don’t end up making the same mistake twice.
Unhealthy guilt
Unhealthy guilt does not allow for mistakes; we expect too much from ourselves and others. Guilt is unhealthy if it is out of proportion or causes acute distress. Unhealthy guilt can arise because of:
A clash between value systems.
For example, some cultures have very strict rules about sexual behaviour, however, certain culture is relatively relaxed in its approach to sex. A person who grows up in a different country but whose parents are from another culture might feel guilt about their own sexual behaviour as a result of the clash between cultural value systems.
Excessively harsh or abusive discipline.
If rules of behaviour have been enforced abusively or with excessive force, the fear of punishment can be internalised as a high degree of guilt.
Unrealistic standards of behaviour.
Nobody is perfect. If you expect never to feel angry, always to tell the truth and never to have a mean thought about anyone, then you are likely to feel guilty a lot of the time.
An act believed to be wrong which has not been confessed or atoned for.
Sometimes we do things which we later feel guilty about. If the guilt is severe enough, we may feel afraid to tell anyone or to make amends for it. This can lead to an unhealthy state of guilt and anxiety.
Forgiving yourself after offending someone or doing them wrong takes self-reflection and commitment to make changes. So how do we deal with guilt?
Accept and admit to yourself what you did wrong.
Acknowledge that you regret your decision and wish you had acted differently.
Consider why you made the mistake.
Were you tired, jealous, desperate, angry, etc.?
Ask yourself how you wish you had handled the situation differently and commit to responding to similar situations differently in the future.
Try to make amends with the people you hurt.
This may not always be possible if they are not willing to cooperate – all you can do is your part. Offer a genuine and sincere apology without defending yourself, accept responsibility and do what is reasonable to make it right.
Make peace with yourself.
Choosing to hold onto your guilt forever will only make a bad situation worse over time. Think about the mistake long enough to learn from it, but move past it.
Acknowledge it exists.
Sometimes guilt can remain hidden underneath other symptoms such as anxiety or sleeplessness. This can make it challenging to determine what’s really bothering you. Identifying whether guilt is the root cause of these challenges can clarify the situation and help you figure out the next steps you need to take.
Eliminate negative self-talk.
Though guilt can initiate positive action, it can also cause you to associate your behaviour with who you are as a person. This can lead to inaccurate self-assessment and negative self-talk such as “I’m a bad person.” Try to remember that although the behaviour may have been less than ideal, it doesn’t define who you are.
Find out if there’s a reason to feel guilty.
Guilt can at times be unwarranted because the person involved has moved on from the incident or has already forgiven you. So, think about asking the person how they really feel. You might be surprised to find out that you’ve been carrying guilt for no reason.
Remind yourself of all that you do.
When feeling guilty, you might have trouble remembering all the positive things you do. Consider making a list of all the acts of kindness you bestow onto others. You may find that the number of positive actions on the list far outweigh any perceived transgressions.
Realise it’s OK to have needs.
Guilt is often rooted in worries that you’re selfish with your time, money, or energy. However, it’s helpful to remember that no one can be everything to everybody all the time. You also have needs, and they’re equally as valid as the needs of others.
Establish boundaries.
Guilt can result from unclear boundaries. For example, you may feel guilty when trying to communicate your needs to others, or you may feel pangs of guilt when you don’t do what others ask. Establishing healthy boundaries involves making your expectations clear. It establishes what behaviours you will accept from others and what behaviours others can expect from you. Having these boundaries in place can help prevent guilt when dealing with others.
Make amends.
Sometimes, the presence of guilt may indicate the need to apologise for your behaviour — a call to action, so to speak. Once these amendments are made, remorseful feelings often seem to fade away. If you can no longer make amends to someone, maybe because they’ve passed away, you can try journaling or writing a letter to say what you couldn’t say at the time. You can then discard it in some way — such as ripping it up or burning it — afterward as an act of closure.
Understand what you can control.
It might be beneficial to examine the source of the guilt and determine what aspects you can manage.For example, suppose you feel responsible for something that happened years ago. It might be more helpful at this point to focus on determining what you can do now to help the situation.If nothing can change the situation, bear in mind that holding onto guilt won’t likely deliver the change you’re looking for. Try to have some compassion for yourself. Remember that some things are unchangeable, and that’s OK!
Address any mental health challenges.
If mental health conditions or past trauma are playing a role in your guilt, it might be a good idea to talk with a mental health professional.
They can work with you to identify areas you may need help with and offer strategies to manage your guilty feelings.
Acknowledge that perfection doesn’t exist.
If you hold yourself to a high standard, and even the slightest infraction leaves you riddled with guilt, it might be beneficial to remind yourself that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. Making mistakes doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It simply means that you’re learning and growing as you navigate through this thing called life — just like everyone else.
Talking over what happened with a trusted friend or loved one can help reduce guilt. Owning up to a mistake and apologising may be enough to ease guilty feelings, in some cases. But when feelings of guilt affect daily life or relationships, it’s important to reach out for help.
A therapist can’t fix your mistakes or change you. They can help you work through emotions and explore ways to create change. Therapists can also help normalise guilt. If you feel worthless or believe you are a bad person, a therapist or counsellor can help you come to terms with the fact that every person makes mistakes from time to time.
If guilt relates to something that is not your fault, such as in the case of survivor’s guilt, a therapist can also help you work through these feelings. This may help reduce their impact on your life. If you often feel guilty for things you have no responsibility for, you may be able to overcome this pattern with the support of a therapist. In therapy, people can also learn to develop greater self-compassion, which can help reduce guilt.
If you determine that your guilt is unjustified, make a conscious, active effort to let go of it.
Avoid taking on other people’s guilt for them. It enables them to continue repeating their mistakes and causes you to suffer unnecessarily.
You may need to work on conflict resolution skills so that you don’t internalise guilt that isn’t yours. Try to be more assertive in conflict and stand up for yourself, and don’t apologise when you don’t need to just to end the conflict.
Consciously choose to let go of your guilt. The guilt isn’t yours to carry, so keep reminding yourself that there is nothing to do about it but let go.
The best way to fix feelings of shame or guilt, as evidenced by the desire to repair expressed by guilty (and to a lesser extent, shameful) people, is to right the wrong that has led to guilt or shame.
This might mean simply apologising for a transgression, replacing something that has been broken, or otherwise repairing the damage that one has caused. Still, one might feel guilt and shame after apologising, and it is important to know how to reduce these feelings. This is often done through self-forgiveness, especially when one does not receive forgiveness from the person they have wronged.
People who are guilt-prone are more likely to self-forgive, while people who are shame-prone are less likely to self-forgive. This is important because self-forgiveness is a way to overcome guilt and shame without ignoring the real damage one may have caused that led to those feelings of guilt and shame.
A study examining shame in people with borderline personality disorder (BPD, a disorder which is partially characterised by chronic, high levels of shame) found that mindfulness was an effective way to reduce feelings of shame. Specifically, participants who followed a ten-minute long guided mindful breathing session reduced their levels of shame.
One more way to reduce feelings of shame is to attempt to turn those into feelings of guilt. That is, instead of feeling bad about oneself for the damage they have caused, one can instead feel bad about the actions and behaviours they have exhibited.
While some people are more guilt-prone and some people are more shame-prone, this conscious transference of self-blame can occur. This can also likely be accomplished by realising that the damage one has caused is indeed reparable, and that feelings of shame from that damage can be overcome.
What can guilt do to you?
Make you become over responsible, striving to make life ‘right’. You may overwork, give too much of yourself, or be willing to do anything in an attempt to make everyone happy .
Make you over-conscientious. You may fret over every action you take as to its possible negative consequence to others, even if this means that you must ignore your needs and wants.
Make you over sensitive. You may see decisions about right and wrong in every aspect of your life and become obsessed with the tenuous nature of all your personal actions, words and decisions.
Immobilise you. You can become so overwhelmed by the fear of doing, acting, saying, or being ‘wrong’ that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence, and the status quo.
Interfere in your decision making. It may become so important to always be ‘right’ in your decisions that you are unable to make a decision lest it be wrong.
Be hidden by the mask of self denial. You may hide behind the mask of self denial because it is less guilt-inducing to take care of others first. You honestly believe it is better to serve others first, unaware that ‘guilt’ can be the motivator for such ‘generous’ behaviour.
Make you ignore the full array of emotions and feelings available to you. Overcome by guilt or the fear of it, you can become emotionally blocked or closed off and unable to enjoy the positive fruits of life, your attention always being with the negative.
Mislead or misdirect you. As many irrational beliefs lie behind guilt, you may be unable to sort out your feelings. It is important to be objective with yourself when you are experiencing guilt so that your decisions are based on sound, rational thinking.
Be a motivator to change. Guilt and the discomfort it brings can be used as a barometer of the need for change and a way to move in a different direction in your life.
Therapy can often help people work through guilt. But the most helpful type of therapy will most likely to depend on the cause of the guilt. In all cases, a therapist is likely to begin by working with the person seeking help to understand what contributes to their guilt.
Chronic guilt linked to an overly strict upbringing or other family-related factors might improve after these underlying factors are uncovered and addressed in treatment.
Treatment for post traumatic stress may help people who experience survivor’s guilt after trauma.
Guilt linked to a mistake or choice may improve after the choice is addressed or the behaviour is changed. For example, a person who was unfaithful in a relationship may (with a willing partner) decide to attend couples counselling and recommit to the relationship.
Feelings of guilt and shame linked to mental health issues such as depression or anxiety may improve when the condition is treated.
People with guilt linked to abuse, assault, or other traumatic violence may struggle to accept that what happened wasn’t their fault. Trauma therapy may help a person to reframe the event, understand they did nothing wrong, and begin to heal from the trauma.
People with mental health issues may feel guilty over their actions or behaviour, though they may not be able to fully help them. A person with depression can’t help feeling depressed but might feel guilty about the effects their depression has on their relationships with family and friends. Counselling can help treat both the mental health concern and help the person develop greater compassion toward themselves.
"Whatever the source of your feelings, reaching out for help is a great step in the right direction."
Counselling for guilt and shame typically involves the concepts of acceptance and forgiveness. It’s natural to make mistakes, and sometimes these mistakes can hurt others. Whenever possible, attempting to fix the mistake or otherwise making amends may be a good first step. Doing so can reduce feelings of guilt. When it isn’t possible to make amends or repair damage caused, a person might feel severe, lasting guilt.
They may be unable to forgive themselves because they can’t earn forgiveness from the wronged person. Therapy can help people learn to accept what happened, forgive themselves for their part in it, and consider how they might make a different choice in the future. They may still carry unresolved feelings about the event, but this process is still likely to help improve some symptoms and effects of guilt.
Whatever the source of your feelings, reaching out for help is a great step in the right direction. It’s deciding to do all you can to become the best version of yourself. While you’re in treatment, professionals can help you separate true guilt from false guilt or shame.
During the duration/course of therapy, your therapist may ask you to collect information to determine the validity of your beliefs about things you’ve done wrong. You may also be encouraged to determine if the feelings of guilt might be masking other emotions. Be honest with the people trying to provide mental health help.
"Forgive yourself."
Sometimes feelings of guilt make it hard for people to be honest with their therapists. This can limit progress. Remember that the practitioners you’ll be working with have heard many stories from many people, and they aren’t likely to be shocked by anything you might share. Trust that they have the training and experience needed to help you see your situation objectively and plan to address what needs to be.
A plan to address true guilt is likely to include working on ways to reduce the likelihood of negative patterns being repeated in the future. It may also involve asking someone for forgiveness or making amends in some way, if possible.
Forgive yourself. During treatment/therapy, you may be encouraged to give to charity in memory or honour of someone or participate in a confession or atonement ritual. Learning to forgive yourself may also be part of the program. Dealing with guilt isn’t easy, but it’s worth the effort, and you’ll have plenty of help along the way.
None of us get through life without doing things we wish we hadn’t done. We can’t re-do the past, but we can learn from it and move forward with new skills and a fresh slate. Every moment of life holds within it the possibility of starting again.
Most people experience guilt. Sometimes it doesn’t fully go away. A person who makes a mistake may continue to feel guilt throughout life, even if they apologise, fix the damage, and are forgiven for the harm they caused. Therapy can help address these feelings. Having self-compassion can also help.
Self-compassion practices can be learned in therapy, but it’s also possible to develop greater self-compassion alone.
Take a break. During the break, accept what you are feeling. Accept that it is tough or challenging. Then ask yourself how you can take care of yourself right then.
Ask yourself how you’d treat a friend experiencing the same struggle. What would you say to that friend? Try using those same words for yourself.
Write a letter or journal entry to yourself, offering acceptance, love, and compassion.
Reframe negative self-talk. Instead of reminding yourself about your mistake and how bad it was, simply agree that you messed up and tell yourself you’ll do better next time. Remind yourself about what you’ve learned or how you’ve grown as a result of the choice you made. If your choice had any positive effects, it might help to remind yourself of those, too. Remember that guilt isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Getting rid of guilt may require self-reflection to identify where the remorse is coming from and why you’re feeling it. It also involves determining if you’re experiencing misplaced guilt, toxic guilt, or actual regret for something you’ve done.
Whether your guilt is justified or based on imagined responsibility, remember that you’re human, and we all make mistakes. Try to acknowledge your feelings, make amends if necessary, and then forgive yourself. If you need help letting go of persistent guilty feelings, consider reaching out to a mental health professional.
If you have difficulty managing guilt, it might be helpful to talk with a mental health professional about your concerns. If you are struggling with letting go of your guilt, the hotlines below are here to help.
Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935 or 014-322 3392) Talian Kasih (15999 or WhatsApp 019-261 5999), Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03- 7627 2979) or contact a medical professional, loved one, friend, or your hospital emergency room immediately.
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